I love My Daddy.

Missing him.

Loving him.

Craving him.

He is what I want, need, desire, love, crave.

What I Miss.

I am on vacation for the holidays, away from my Daddy. It is very frustrating and it hurts. Before, when we were long distance, I knew what to expect, I went day to day living my life without him. Sure, I missed him like crazy, but it was life. It is a completely different ball game now. I am so used to seeing my Daddy EVERY DAY!!! It is weird to be away from him, especially for this long. I've been cranky/upset with him because our way of dealing with this separation is completely opposite. After posting about it on fetlife, someone said to throw yourself into chores and such. This would be great if I was home and he was away, but I am the one away. So I thought to ask him for a writing assignment. This is the assignment he gave me.

-What I miss doing for/with Daddy-

• trying to sneak out of the bed in the middle of the night to relieve my ridiculously tiny bladder and not wake him up
• Handing him his cell phone when his alarm goes off in the morning, then cuddling crazy close to him for as much time as he 'snoozes' for
• calling him when I wake up and walk the dogs in the morning to say good morning
• calling him to ask him what I may eat for lunch
• Answering the phone and hearing him tell me that he is coming home. Then deciding if I will dress up/meet him outside with the dogs/kneel naked/masturbate before he gets home/etc
• Cleaning up around the house for him
  
• Watching him shower
• Joining him in the shower and getting peed on
• kissing him
  
• Hugging him
  
• Standing at the doorway to our screened porch while he smokes out there and talking to him
• talking to him about his day
• Helping him cook [since he totally kicks my butt in the kitchen]
• eating dinner together
• cuddling on our couch
• sneaking my hand down his pants while we snuggle
• listening to his witty comments whenever we watch a program
• Doing the dishes!!!! [lmao]
• finding something on hulu for us to sleep to [or a dvd]
• snuggling close while sleeping
• sex
• sex
• sex
• sex
• sex
• sex
• sex
• tasting his cock
• his body warming mine up

Writing this now makes me wish I was in his arms. His strong arms that protect me.

*sighs* It hurts, but it helps that I am doing something for him with this. So while it makes me miss him, it actually helps on a certain level too.

Fear

I read something simple today, something innocent, something that would have usually made me smile, but today it made me freeze. A fear ran through my body. I couldn't move. I wanted to cry. I felt like I was suffocating. I could barely think.

I talked myself through it. I couldn't call my Daddy, because I already look like a mess to him. Being away from him does weird things to me... I'm sure I look like a psycho or something in his eyes. I feel like I am way too clingy or that I am bothering him whenever I call. I know that isn't true, but it is how I feel.

He is the most fantastic man. I was a bit frustrated yesterday because whenever I said something that I deemed to be sweet and emotional [I miss when you touch me, when you kiss me, when you tickle me] he would respond with something ordinary [I miss you too]. It was definitely frustrating me. I felt like I was either bothering him or that he didn't miss me as much as I miss him. Last night when we were on the phone though he verbalized how much he missed me, I broke down and started crying. Shit! I'm doing it again... lol. I guess I can't help it.

I know he loves me. I know he misses me. I am so completely in love that sometimes I freeze up. I get so scared that something will go wrong. But I talk myself through those times. It will all be okay. We will love each other. He misses me too.

Outfits and Lingerie

I am in the process of writing a similar post to this about toys, here is outfits and lingerie that I want... Wishlist!!!

- sexy french maid teddy. I would totally love to wear this while doing housework. Mmmm.

- Domestic Goddess. I'm not really into the 'one size fits most' because fit is weird. However I *love* this.

- Sexy Satin Bra and Garter set. Once again, wary of this 'one size fits most' especially because I'm quite boob-alicious. But it's cute.

- Lace halter top with thong [raspberry] I think this is so sexy. It looks like it would be a dream.

- Daisy Lace Babydoll Set I think I would look good in this. It is appealing and sooo cute. Mmmm. I think the cut of the top is nice too. I can see that being one of my go to pieces of lingerie.

- Spanish Lace Peek-a-boo set. Too bad that this is out of stock right now. I love the lace and the cut [once again] of the top is perfect for me.

- Royal Satin Chemise with G-string. Oh... my... gosh... the color is stunning. As long as the color in real life is as vibrant as in the picture I think I would be verrrrrrry happy.

- VS unlined Demi Bra. I think this is sexy. I actually don't own any VS bras. Although 90% of my panties are VS.

- Reversible Corset. It looks so sleek and elegant. Here is another pop up of the pink! [at least on one side]

- Reversible Satin/Lace Overlay Corset. I love the look of the design on the model. It looks beautiful and once again reversible. I've never had a corset so I don't know if reversible is horrible or if it is actually okay.

-Satin Jacquard Corset with Lace Trim. I love the red/black look of this. Not reversible, and I think that is better...

-Sugar Cookie Cami and Thong. I am IN LOVE with ruffles lately. I don't know what draws me to ruffles, but they are hottttttttt.

-Satin Tapestry Flowered Jacquard Strapless Corset & G-string. This looks chic. It looks expensive in the picture. It makes me think of Pretty Woman for some reason [the gloves?].

-Asian Tapestry Strapless Corset Set. I love the luxurious look of the deep purple here. The design is so simple, yet it is gorgeous.

-Pleated Passion Bustier. The youthful colors here intrigue me. The pink/lavender really attract me to this. I think a lot of lingerie is so dark. It's nice to see some color.

Different take on anal play.

So, Daddy read my blog tonight, so I figure I can get away with writing this and not have him read it for another week or so. :-P Just kidding around. :-D

Anyway... I masturbate a lot. I believe I have gone into the rules about my masturbation. I get three sessions of ten minutes each. If I want more I may ask, but those three sessions are given to me everyday. Well, I usually read stories since I can start reading and go off with it in my head. Rarely [once a week/every other week] I'll watch a video. It is something I need to be in the mood for. If I am working on my second/third in a relatively short span of time I can go straight from my own twisted imagination.

That's not what this is about though... I have been reading a lot of male/male stories lately during my masturbation sessions. I've always known about the male prostate and how the orgasm is supposedly more intense when it is stimulated. However reading about it makes me more intrigued.

My Daddy doesn't like anal play besides being rimmed. Lately I have been thinking about sticking a finger in, I know, not something you exactly do on the fly. He has had it done before and said that it didn't really do anything for him. So its not like he hasn't tried it. Me doing it obviously all depends on if he tells me to or not considering what type of relationship we have, but it is something that has interested me the past few weeks.

Some feel that doing would make me more of the dominant person in that moment, but I don't think so. He would be using me for his own pleasure. Hell he could even tell me to wear a strap-on to fuck him and he would still be the dominant one. Not that I've thought of that...

Anyway, it is something that intrigues me. Not for myself, but because I have read about all the pleasure that it gives guys and I guess I want to do that for him...

Hmmm, whatever. He has had it done and it doesn't do anything for him. I guess I just wanted to write about it somewhere.

Slave.

Last night my Daddy and I talked about roles. It evolved from a discussion about one of his exes. I have been thinking lately about my role. If you asked me when my Daddy and I first started seeing each other I would have without hesitation said I was his sub. I do believe that I was his sub then. However learning more and more about the roles that are in the BDSM culture I realized I didn't exactly identify as a sub. I felt like I identified as a slave. I feel in my heart that I am a slave.

When we discussed it last night my Daddy said some things that made me realize that he is a Dom though. It doesn't surprise me, I know who he is, I know how he feels. I don't think that he needs to be my Master in order for our relationship to work. It may not be the norm, but hey, labels are just labels. It's funny, because I can still say we are in a D/s relationship, Dom/slave!

There are many different reasons that I feel this way, it wasn't some random idea that just popped into my head. It is something that I have thought long and hard about. Submissive may describe some of my characteristics TOWARDS my Daddy, however it does not define my role. It took me a while to even formulate my thoughts on this.

I asked him a while back if he had ever been a 'Master' and he said when he was younger and didn't really know what it meant/didn't fit the role. I do wonder if he will ever become my Master. I don't know if he will, there is a mindset that he is set in. A healthy one. It is a Dom's mindset though, not a Master's mindset. This is fine with me. I love him with all my heart. I can still be his slave without him being my Master. He is my Dom and I am wonderfully in love with that. Our relationship works [splendidly] and we are happy. I wouldn't want to go tinkering around with it in order to fit other people's labels/thoughts.

Life. So it goes.

So, I thought about posting this in my other blog, but it is a bit more personal and going to be mentioning some kinky stuff briefly so I decided to put it here. Sorry if it is absolutely boring and is a waste space here... :-P

I have struggled with my weight since... well, since forever. There are reasons I am the weight I am, the biggest hurdle is genetics. You can ask my Daddy, everyone in my family is pretty hefty. I think the best thing for me is that I haven't let my weight get me down or allow it to bring down my self-esteem. Another great thing is that I am genuinely healthy. I'm sure that come 30 years if I did nothing about it that might be different, but I am healthy now.

However, I do want to lose some weight. My Daddy and I videotaped us having sex. I don't know if it was the angle, or the intensity that he was plowing me, or what, but it was a huge wake-up call. I want to lose weight. I have been bitten by the 'lose weight' fairy before, but I am hoping that it sticks this time...

Christmas is coming up and I am spending it with my grandparents. I am really looking forward to it, but my grandma is notorious for not allowing me to eat healthy. It is an extremely long and weird story, and not one I wish to go into here... But I know that I will not be losing weight there. I struggle just to maintain whenever I am with them. Besides the point though, when I return I will be hitting the diet full force. My dinner portions can definitely be cut down, or at least my meat portions. I need to start eating breakfast without fail. I need to be smarter about my lunch choices. All that kind of good stuff.

In May, my Daddy and I are going to Shibaricon. I am so excited about it. It is my goal to be down 20-30 pounds by then. It can totally be done. 5 months and 30 pounds is a healthy amount of time to loose the weight.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I really am motivated.

Fantasy - Excuse me... OH!

So I have this recurring fantasy that I am at a kinky event and I run into someone I know in my vanilla life. The person always changes, sometimes it is a neighbor, other times a coworker. My favorite one though is running into my old high school psychology teacher.

He is probably one of a few men who turn all my cranks. Seriously, he is intelligent, funny, commanding, and has a solid build. Not to mention he is soooo hunky. From time to time, when I am using my masturbation time, I imagine him and Daddy violating me in the naughtiest ways. Oh hot damn, thinking of taking him all the way into my throat, gagging, drooling, while Daddy plows into me from behind. The motion from Daddy shoving his thick prick into me pushing me further onto my teacher's prick. Damn, I'm soaking my panties now!

I have fantasies of them using and abusing me. Violating me. It is delicious.

While that is the person I most commonly fantasize about meeting at a play party, it is really my wish to just meeting anyone I know in a vanilla context. I have heard of other people dreading it, but really, you are there for the same reason! So, excluding family members, I am hoping to one day meeting someone at a kinky event who I know in a vanilla context.

Pain Tolerance Day 2

So last night was 11 paddle hits. It went down much differently than the first day. I was immediately allowed the ball gag and the ability to bend over the desk. For some reason such a huge fear came over me. I was absolutely scared shitless. I was shaking and did not want to do it. I asked if we could skip it, and I say Daddy looking at me, contemplating if I could handle what was about to come or if I really needed a break. He told me that I could handle it and to bend over. I tentatively bent over.

Daddy rubbed the paddle against my ass. I pushed my ass back when he went to take the paddle away, effectively keeping my ass stuck to the paddle. He told me to stay in place or he wouldn't be happy. So I kept my place and waited for the blows. By the first hit I was crying. The fear made everything worse. I know he wasn't hitting me as hard as the first day, but it hurt more. All of the blows were on the lighter side of medium strength except for the last one. As soon as the eleventh one hit I collapsed into a heap on the floor. He tried to calm me, telling me how well I did and what a good girl I was. He was sitting in the chair and stroking my hair, calming me. Once my tears subsided a little he told me to take care of him now. His cock was once again hard [I love that he gets off on hurting me] so I wrapped my lips around him. I felt so dirty. I felt so... taken advantage of. But in a good way! I backed off midway and he showered. I watched [like always] and then we laid down in bed.

I opened my legs and his tongue brought me to the highest peaks. Wave after wave of orgasm swept over me. It felt so good. I love it when he goes down on me. After he finished with me I returned the favor. I licked him, rimmed him, pleasured him until he was fully erect. I laid back on my back to have him fuck me, but as soon as he entered me I realized my pussy was still too tender. It hurt like a m*therf*cker. So instead of fucking like bunnies I sucked him off until he came into my mouth. I love the taste of him. Apparently I make small noises when he comes in my mouth and I am swallowing it. He told me this last night, I have never realized it before! lol.

But anyway, it was a good night. Since we took a night off my broken pussy should be fixed now!!! :-P

Pain Tolerance Day 1

So Daddy paddled me last night. It started my pain tolerance training. I requested using the rope ball gag that he fashioned and he tied it, giving me a bit of calmness. I really like having something to bite on when I am receiving pain like that because otherwise I bite my teeth and I feel... off. Something doesn't feel right when I don't have something to bite down on. Maybe it's because the time that I took the most pain from Daddy I held a paddle in my mouth in the beginning then a gag at the end.

Back to last night... I asked to go over the desk as well because I like having the stability below me and being able to put my head down. He told me just to bend over and put my hands on the chair. I listened. He rubbed his hands over my ass, relaxing me a little. I was uncomfortable in my position though so my heart was beating faster than normal. The first blow landed and tears immediately sprang into my eyes. At that point I begged to go over the desk and he saw that I needed it at that point so he said okay. I bent over the desk and it immediately put a calm inside of me.

I was still frightened of course, but it was calming being in a position that I was comfortable with. By the fourth hit I knew I was going to cry. By the sixth hit, tears were flowing. Ten was definitely a good stop for day 1. I wish I could take more, but that is what we are working towards!

After the paddling was when the real fun came... I was standing up and Daddy kissed away my tears. I swear, I soaked myself at that moment. Such a turn on... His cock was hard I grabbed it and said it looked like he enjoyed himself. He had me sit on the desk chair and suck him a little, then grabbed me and led me into the bedroom. He laid down and I finished sucking him off. He came down my throat, mmm. I love the taste of his cum. I love worshiping his cock. He is yummy.

So that was day 1. I am definitely looking forward to day 2!!!

Pain Tolerance

I am trying to keep my mind off of things. I don't really want to think about certain things. It's not about anything except the fact that I want to lay into what my life is now, not lament on what it used to be. I always like to look at things as if the glass is half full, so that is what I am doing. I am going to make my life work. This may not be how I envisioned things to be, but I am loving my life. I am with the person I love and I know that everything will work out.

Anyway, onto the topic that this blog is about, pain tolerance.

I have this deep desire to be hit, to be spanked, to be hurt. I crave pain. Much to my chagrin my pain tolerance is very low. There has been times where I have been able to take more pain, which are the times I love. There are times when one hit of his hand makes me want to run and I just can't take anymore. Those are the times I'm not so happy. I want the pain. I want to be able to take it, I want to absorb the pain. It feels so good.

I used to not understand why, why I wanted pain. Why I wanted to be hit. I knew it felt good to me. I knew that the pain somehow made everything else... vanish. It was a beautiful feeling.

I want to be able to take more. I want to be raise my tolerance. So, last night my Daddy and I discussed this and we both want this, so we are going to take steps to ensure that it happens. I suggested that we do a scale of spanks, 10 the first day, 11 the next, 12 the next, etc etc. I think it will be good. I have high hopes. I'm very very very excited about it. I'll fill you in about it as it goes on.

Strange...

I am sitting at Platinum's university right now. Being all sneaky as a visitor. Lots of thoughts are running through my head. I really don't know what to do... I don't even know how to go about writing about what exactly happened this past week. Things have changed so much with my mother. I had high hopes. I wanted so badly for everything to work out. I was even excited about moving back. I really thought that things could change...

Then it... was different. I was still trying and yet it wasn't working. She thought that... well, I don't know what she thought and I am not about to speculate. The situation turned from bad to nightmare.

I don't know what to think, I don't know what to type...

Never in a million years would I have thought that it would have gone to the place that it went...

I am still in shock. Two days later.

It is killing me that I cannot reach Sky.

I am worried.

I am frightened.

Such a change.

I feel like I need to write. It will be much easier to write this out and perhaps post it on fetlife than explain it multiple times via private messages.

I will be moving back to Chicago.

I am moving out of my Daddy's home and back in with my mother. Part of my shudders to even type that. I swore up and down that I would never move back. I promised. Things have changed.

For people who know me intimately, know that my mother is a bit... off her hinge.

She needs some help and the only way that will happen is if I am there to help her.

I don't want to come off as a saint though. This decision is not all based on her. I'm doing this for me partially as well. I don't have a job where I am with my Daddy, and schooling down there is not my cup of tea. Moving back in with my mother will solve those problems. I will not have them handed to me like I was getting previously, however this makes me happier in a sense too.

I am assuming much more responsibility with this move. As it was put to me, I am no longer in a parent-child relationship. I will be in a parent-adult relationship.

Daddy and I talked and talked and talked, and I cried, about this decision. He felt that it was in my best interest to make the decision and not have him make the decision. I'm not going to lie, I wanted him to make the decision. I wanted to take the easy road out. I didn't want the responsibility of making it. However, I realize now that he was so helpful with me in making that decision. This does not change our relationship, only the distance.

As he has told me many times, the distance doesn't change the amount of love we have for one another. I know I will have a hard time sleeping again. I know that there will be many tears. But I also know that he is working to move to Chicago too. I love him, and he loves me.

He supports this because as he says, I need to do this now so the 'us' in the future can work out. I love him and I thank him for talking me through this. I know that this is the right choice for me to be making logically, even if emotionally when I think about it I feel like a train has hit me.

I was worried that it would feel like a step back in our relationship, but it won't be. We survived living together. Our love is strong. Our relationship has strengthened. I love him with all of my heart, body, and soul. Just because we once again are assuming a long distance relationship doesn't hurt us, it makes us stronger.

Hectic

I've been so wound up lately. Just with thoughts and writing. I'm doing NaNoWriMo and so far beyond. It's sometimes hard for me to start writing, but once I hit a groove I feel like I am good. The internet is just such a distraction. Such as this blog :P . However, I felt like I needed to write.

I am visiting my family for Thanksgiving. I'll be there for a little over a week. I know it will be strange and I think it'll be hard on me. Last week my thoughts were all on the possibility of being pregnant. [Which I am not, however the no period thing was weird. I did take two preggo tests to confirm though] When my thoughts were on the possibility of having my Daddy's baby it forced me to evaluate our relationship. I guess that kind of thing does have that effect...

Well, what I realized is that even though there are things that I am not 100% fanatical about here, I feel at home. I realize that my mom will try to convince me to come back home when I am there. However, the thing is, I was not happy when I was there. Daddy says I need to consider what my mother offers. Not because he doesn't want me with him here, but because for my education it is better if I am up there since that is the only way my mother will pay for it.

I'm torn. I truly am. I don't want to leave. I know this already. However, my education is something that is soooo important to me, and to my Daddy. I haven't found a job down here and I do believe that I would have an easier time back in my old town. I do think that things would be different between my mother and I. However, I don't want to leave my Daddy. I have a home here. It kills me to even think of leaving. Not to mention, I've gotten used to seeing him everyday. Part of me is just wanting to be selfish and just stay here for that reason alone.

My mind has been a mess lately. I feel like I am being torn apart. I don't really know what is going on in my head. I guess we will find out next week... I'm sure I'll be blogging more about this. Stay tuned...

Cootchie Cootchie Coo.

Alright, so I haven't blogged in forever. Damn twitter. :P Well... some things have been happening in my life that I need to write about, even if it is just to work things out in my own head.

[Warning: There may be TMI in this post!!!]

Last week I thought I was pregnant. I was feeling strange. Usually I break out slightly before my period, and no break out. Actually, I just felt under the weather. I threw up a couple times, peeing all the time, I was getting headaches, I was having problems staying "regular", and my breasts were really tender. At first I thought I might have come down with the flu. However, when looking up my symptoms... Pregnancy was at the top of the list.

I was scared. What if my birth control failed and I was pregnant???

I thought about it and decided not to tell my Daddy unless I actually was pregnant. However, my period wasn't supposed to start until this week, so I decided not to take a test until my period should have started. If I got my period then I wouldn't have to worry about a test! Anyway, it was weighing on my mind.

Oh, and mood swings are a symptom too, and I'm sure my Daddy could tell you that I definitely did have those.

So anyway... Daddy and I went into his office on Saturday. I felt myself starting to get queasy in the middle of his office. I excused myself and went into the bathroom for a bit. I didn't want him to know I was getting sick...

One of the nice things about living with Daddy is that he allows me to drink alcohol inside the house. Without thinking I asked him to get something for me to drink. He agreed and went to the liquor store Saturday night. While he was gone I realized I couldn't drink if I was pregnant. I know that it probably wouldn't matter since it was so early on, but I couldn't consciously do that... He came back and I didn't know how to tell him that I just made him go get me some alcohol and then I wasn't going to drink it. All I said was how I didn't feel like drinking it and that I would save it for later that week.

His response? It's okay, I've already figured it out.

My heart stopped. What??? You figured what out?

We talked for a while, apparently he put two and two together with some of my funniness. We both want kids, but this was not a part of our plan. Not right now. However after talking about it we realized that we would accept whatever outcome came.

Since he knew I could start looking around at information online. I think this was my biggest mistake. I want kids. I have always known this. So when reading some of this stuff, it made me want to be pregnant. In my head I knew that NOW wasn't really the best time, but that is because of reasons not having to do with my desire to be a mother. I don't know... It's weird.

One of my biggest fears in life is that for some weird reason I won't be able to have children.

Anyway, I was finding all this stuff out and falling more and more in love with the idea of being a mom. Which is crazy, because I am 19, without a job and not going to school at the moment. However, we would make it work. I knew that. I figured that this could be the best mistake ever. [Weird I know...]

I realized how slim the chance was that I was pregnant though. I knew that I would be okay with not being pregnant too. Because that is the thing, both sides have pros. Both sides have cons.

It's weird, because while on a level I wanted to be pregnant, on another level I definitely did NOT want to be pregnant. I mean, they are expensive and it would be such bad timing.

So I was constantly teetering on this edge.

We decided that we would take a pregnancy test Monday. We woke up early [much to Daddy's chagrin due to late night football] and went to the store. We bought the test and headed over to a McDonald's across the street. Classy, I know... But Daddy had to get to work and it is better to take it with first urination of the day, so that's how it had to go.

I went into the stall, trying to crack jokes to myself but I was nervous. For good reason... I pulled down my pants, reread the directions to make sure I was doing it right... and peed.

Waiting is the hardest part. Thoughts ran through my head, I want to be, I don't want to be, I really don't want to be, it wouldn't be a bad thing... etc. Finally I look over...

Not pregnant. I had to sit for a couple of minutes. I expected to cry a bit, but I didn't. I was sad though. I was quiet during my egg mcmuffin. I went home and slept. Pretty much the whole day. I wanted to drink that night, but knew that wouldn't be smart.

After Monday I came to grips with it. I needed a day to process then I was fine. I then knew I should be expecting my period...

Except... it hasn't come yet.

Now I am back to thinking it might have been a false negative. I'm not getting my hopes up. Right now I feel more levelheaded. I realize that I probably am not pregnant. If I am, I am, but I am not thinking of that. So yeah, I hope that this didn't bore you or give you TMI. I'll update you guys on it later...

Prompt- Anger/Upset

I have a list of a few prompts that I keep stored up in case I want to blog and can't think of anything to blog about. There is one that I keep putting off because, well, I just didn't want to write about it. However I think due to recent occurrences, I will do the prompt now.

How do you communicate when you are angry/upset?

I think that I am both ends of the spectrum here. At first, I don't want to talk. I get a very "whatever" attitude. If the problem gets dropped, then this actually is good because then whatever I was angry/upset over didn't get blown into a bigger problem. I say this happens 75-80% of the time. I let things go very easily. Some people have said that it "isn't healthy" to keep things inside, but the thing is, I don't keep them. I don't say anything, but once it is over, it's over. It's not like I keep a bank of issues inside. Then I would agree that it is a fucked up way to deal with things.

The other end of the spectrum is I want to talk... A LOT. I want to resolve things, and until every little thing is resolved, I don't want to stop talking. This is an issue for me because the conversations tend to take hours. lol. If I am going to talk about my anger/upset at something, be prepared to talk a lot. I want to resolve things fully. These are usually with people I am extremely close to. It's not like I get upset at an acquaintance and have this four hour long conversation about it with them.

I think both ways sometimes get people annoy with me.

Last Night

Daddy has been a bit stressed lately. I understand this, and want to do everything I can to help him. I sometimes feel like I am floundering in this regard though. I don't know if what I am doing is helping, hurting, or just indifferent. Daddy pointed out to me last night that I was acting a bit bratty and pouting. Little things had been getting under my skin all day. Some may say that it started off on a bad note since I woke up with a hangover, but truly I don't think that was it. I do think that I was predisposed to be cranky though.

I feel like I don't want to bother Daddy with things. I feel like when I do, I am just that, a bother. We have had some bugs recently due to a myriad of factors and I am *deathly* afraid of them. Last night I saw one and he came to kill it. I felt like I was just being a bother. I felt like he wanted me just to kill it myself. I can't. I literally cannot bring myself to. They scare me WAAAAAY too freaking much. I then sat down on the couch and my eyes were peeled into the kitchen looking for any movement what-so-ever. I once again felt like he was exasperated with me.

My Daddy took my actions as upset that we are living in the state we are living. To be honest, I don't really care where we are living. It surprised me to hear him say that he thought that was the issue with me. It makes me think that it is an issue for him. I know that the situation that we are in is not one that we planned on. I thank goodness everyday for him. The way that my Daddy took me in, is something that I will always be grateful for.

It does worry me though. Because we had not planned on this, and it can be stressful, I worry that my Daddy will grow to resent me for it. I pray that this will not happen, but it is always a worry in my head.

I worry that I am not doing things properly. I worry that I am not everything that he wants me to be. I want to be everything for him. He is the best man in the whole world and I worry that I am getting on his nerves. It frightens me that one day he will wake up and just be too annoyed to deal with me.

I don't want to annoy him and I feel like I have been recently. I cannot place my finger on it, but there are instances where I just get that vibe. It is not all the time. There are plenty of times where that is the furthest thing from my mind.

I worry that I am a little off too. I don't want to articulate some desires because I don't want to stress him out any more than he already is. I don't want to seem needy or anything.

My Daddy did ask last night what was up, I told him that I was missing the pain. I was craving a beating. He said two things. 1- When he is stressed he worries about going "too far". and 2- he thought I wasn't looking for that because whenever he tried I would move funnily.

I understand number 1. I knew that it was probably a reason and that is why I didn't bring it up. I don't want him to be more stressed because I want to be a painslut and he doesn't want to go too far.

Number 2 I see where he is coming from, but I hate that he thought this. I hate that something I did veered him in the wrong direction. I think my level of resistance goes up the more I want it. The resistance and final takedown is hot to me. I'm glad that he was reading me, and took the direction of not possibly hurting me in a bad way. I told him that the resistance was just so he would take it anyway though. I want the "I don't want it but it doesn't matter what I want because he wants it".

We had some struggle/resistance/spanking/biting last night after that. I'm glad he was listening, but I can't help but crave more. Last night afterwards, he was on top of me [one of my favorite things in the world... Just being there, both of us in post-sex bliss, skin touching, so close] and he said "Brat" and without thinking I said "better". As soon as I said it I tried to brush it off. I said that I was glad that he listened to me, because I felt like he wasn't before. Which was an element of what I said, but not what I meant completely. I think he knew that, but I guess if he didn't, he will when he reads this. I said better, which, while encompassing the "I'm so happy you listened to what I was feeling", was also about, I need more pain. It is better, but not what I need. It scares me that I cannot articulate this. I think more than anything because I don't want to. I want to do whatever he wants, and if that means no pain for a while, then that means no pain for a while. I want to be okay with that. I want to be like, well, no pain is fine by me. [Also, when i say no pain, it really doesn't mean NO pain. My Daddy and I almost always incorporate slapping/choking into sex. We are rough sex fans] I want to be fine having whatever kind of sex that he wants to have. However, my need for pain is so great that it is obviously affecting my mood. That is what I don't like.

Well, I feel this is long and rambly... If you have any ideas or just want to comment, feel free!

Prompt- First time

What was your first sexual/play encounter with your current Owner like for you?

I know that I have outlined this before places, but talking about my first time with my Daddy is always something that I enjoy. We met online. We talked for months. I knew that I was attracted to him. I knew that my feelings for him, if he turned out to be everything that he said he was, had the potential to be great. Oh gosh, I remember that day *so* well. I was so nervous. Platinum dropped me off at the train station and I took the train downtown. His plane landed and he called me. I was sitting outside of a dunkin donuts [I got a french cruller] and waited. Sadly, the train from the airport to the hotel was broken down. He called, giving me updates and such. To be honest, I was a bit relieved because I was soooo damn nervous. He told me that at the exchange from train to bus he was just going to hail a cab. While I was excited that he would be there soon, I was nervous as hell because he was going to be there so soon.

I was intently watching the hotel entrance, which I could see from my outside seat at dunkin donuts. Everytime I saw a cab roll up my heart skipped a beat. Then... *the cab* rolled up. I knew it was the cab, because my Daddy is really tall. REALLY TALL. And a redhead. So he is really hard to miss. I stood up, and was on the phone with Mediterranean at the time [freaking out, "oh my god, there he is. oh my god..."] so I hung up quickly and tried to compose myself. He didn't just stand there and wait for me though, he was walking too. That's when I knew that I liked him. The fact that he was walking towards me too meant a lot. Which sounds weird, but whatever. We hugged when we met. I swear my heart was stopped at this point, either that or beating so fast that it felt like it stopped.

We went into the hotel and checked in. We held hands and I kept staring at him. Gosh he was handsome... still is of course. The elevators were super tiny and freaked me out, Daddy held me close. It was the most blissful feeling. Although I was still a ball of nerves. We weren't even in the room for ten minutes before we were all over each other. I remember seeing his cock and being a bit shocked. He is really thick. I straddled him and slid down on his thick cock. It was one of the most intense sexual experiences of my life. I was cumming by the time I slid all the way down. I cannot recall how many orgasms I had that first time, but it was a lot. He is a fantastic lover...

Thinking back on that weekend makes me feel all warm and gooey inside. I love him so much. That weekend was the start of it all. He is the man of my dreams. No, strike that, he is better than the man of my dreams. He is more than anything that I could have ever dreamed up. I am so in love with him.

Talking while he's sleeping.

So, I have this small habit of talking to my Daddy while he is sleeping. I found that I wasn't really doing it that often since I've moved in though. I pondered on this the other day and realized that we are living together now. It isn't like before where we had to fit everything we wanted in a week or weekend. I have him all the time. I know he is coming home to me. This is one of the most happy realizations that I have had. I did however talk to my Daddy in his sleep last night. I kissed his shoulder and spilled the beans on how much I love him. I went into all those sappy details. I love being next to him, feeling his skin against mine...

I am worried that I am not doing things around the house properly. Well, worried that I am not doing enough for Daddy and the house. Which on some level I know might be silly because I am doing things and the house is clean. I know that if he wanted something to be done he would tell me to do it. I've never done this before though. I feel like a need a little bit of validation more than I normally would. Don't get me wrong, he has remarked on how much I have done and tells me that I am doing well and good girl and all that stuff... maybe I am overthinking things.

My paid adventures

So, I talked in my last blog about the CL ad that my Daddy and I posted and the one guy who responded. The guy wanted to watch my Daddy and I have sex while we degraded him a bit and pay us for it. I was excited and nervous. More than anything else I was nervous because the guy wanted me to take on a role that is not me at all, a more Domme role.

I am not a switch. I have no interest in "topping" someone or controlling someone. It is not something that I get off on. I was nervous that even pretending wouldn't work for me. Daddy talked me through a lot of my main worries. Also, my Daddy would be there, so I could feed off of him.

Well, this guy kept talking to my Daddy about coming over during the day for me to "size him up" pretty much meaning he wanted some humiliation before the big show. I was really uncomfortable with this because I wouldn't have my Daddy there. Not only would my Daddy protect me, but he would also be there to play off of [like I mentioned above]. But the guy was offering the same amount for 15 minutes as he was for a hour. The opportunity was too good to pass up considering my unemployment status. So I told my Daddy to let the guy come over.

I was nervous. It felt like rats were running around in my stomach. It was *not* a good feeling. He came over and the beginning stuff was taken care of [the money and making sure he wasn't a cop]. He dropped his pants, I called him a little boy, laughed, and played the part pretty well. It took less than ten minutes for him to finish [you better not get anything on the furniture!]. He cleaned up his mess and was on his way. It was the easiest money that I have ever made. Not to mention the most fun.

I remember watching cathouse on HBO and wishing that I could do what they did. Weird but true. Now I'm not saying that this is anything more than it is, but I had fun with it. I am looking forward to the next time. I like money and I like sex. Best of both worlds...

My new favorite blog.

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TPE: Total Power Exchange and Safewords

So, I was looking at the keywords that lead people to my blog, and total power exchange [in variant forms] is the most searched thing. [the second being loving rape]. I love that my blog is getting foot traffic that way, as much as this is for my [and my Daddy's] pleasure, it would be amazing to be a well trafficked blog. I feel like people should be able to relate to me, and my writing is done well. So of course it would be absolutely amazing to become more popular in the blogosphere.

But that is off track... Total Power Exchange is something that is at the core of what my Daddy and I are as a couple. I wanted to talk a bit about safewords and TPE. Many people believe that the use of safewords is hypocritical to the TPE life. I wanted to give my thoughts on this. I have a safeword. I have even talked about safewords before in this blog. I don't believe it is hypocritical. Like I said there, I can count on one hand the number of times that I have safeworded. My Daddy and I have excellent communication and usually if something is wrong I can just tell him, "Daddy, my hand is all tingly". That works just fine. Those times that I have safeworded it is because I have reached what most call "subspace". At those times I can barely think, let alone speak full sentences. However, even in that state I can remember my safeword.

I do not, and would not, use my safeword outside of sex. Imagine! "Babydoll, the dishes need to get done now", and me, "KAYAK!". LMAO. Yeah, that would not work. One of the most beautiful things about TPE is the power exchange [duh, who would have thought]. The fact that I am obeying him is what I derive happiness from. I have given Daddy control over me. Body, actions, everything. Just because safewords are used in the bedroom does not negate TPE, and please don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Kneeling Num 7

Daddy, it is my desire, need, and hope that I...



am everything that you could ever want. I love you with all my heart. I know that the situation that we are in at this particular moment was neither of our wants, but it brought me closer to you. I want to stay this close. You mean the world to me. You are a huge part of me and I hope that I can do anything and everything for you. Our love is more than anything I have ever experienced before. You are this intoxicating man who I have fallen head over heals for. I never thought that I would be as lucky to find as wonderful a man as you are. You are everything I could have ever dreamed of and I hope that I am the same. When I am being held in your arms I know that I am home. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. It is my hope that you feel the same.



You make me smile every single day. It is my desire to fill every wish that I can. I want to be yours. Today. Tomorrow. The next day. And the next. Keep that on repeat and I would be the happiest girl. I want to make you happy. I want to do whatever I can to keep you happy and smiling. You bring light into my life. You fill me with this crazy amount of joy. There are things that we just click with. You are the man who I want to please in every way possible. I love you. You love me. We love each other. It is my desire, need, and hope to continue to be everything you want. I love you with all of my heart, body, soul.

My Collar

I have been wanting to write this post for a while... well... a week. :-P I arrived in my new state of residency on Saturday. Daddy and I went shopping for the home sweet home. One of the places to stop at was the pets store to pick up a new leash and food. Daddy has ordered a collar online for me, but it hadn't come yet. I understood, I wasn't pushing, Daddy giving me a collar is something that he has to do, not something I wanted to be pushy about. Did I want him to collar me? I wanted nothing more. My very being craved it. It has a lot of meaning for me. We discussed the meaning for both of us long before the collar was even on order. Both of us had the same meaning behind it.

So, I got a little off-track, all I really wanted to say was that I was not, and would never pressure him into giving me a collar, however that does not mean it was not wanted. While we were at the pet store we went down the leash/collar aisle. Daddy expressed that he wanted to get me a temporary collar that I would wear until the real one was shipped. I was ecstatic of course, but I tried to hide it [as best I could] because I didn't want him to feel obligated to collar me temporarily until the real one came. He made it clear that it was what he wanted to do. We picked out a simple black leather collar.

That evening I stood in front of him, my heart beating. He asked me if this is what I wanted, if I was sure. I could barely muster an answer, my heart was in my throat. My whole body was tingling. I was on fire. I don't think I've ever been more excited about something, it stunned me into silence. I did manage a yes though! His hands worked around my neck to put the collar on me. He kissed me and I started to tear up. He is the most perfect man. I am his. I was before the collar, it is an outward sign of that, yes... but it is so much more. I feel it around my neck and it feels right. I have him with me at all times. He is always there with me. I know because the leather around my neck reminds me of that.

I love my collar.

Kneeling Num 6

What is the mental aspect you struggle most with when submitting to me?

I was taught from a young age that I could be anything that I want to be. Unfortunately, the people who taught me this interpreted that to mean that I had to be a lawyer or doctor or business owner. My grandmother still to this day tries to talk me out of being a teacher at every turn. The people who taught me wanted me to be successful. It is a worthy and understandable thing to teach a child. A commendable thing even. However, when I told people I wanted to be a teacher, I was told that "I had so much more potential" and "I was smarter than that" and "I could do so much better things with my life". So, you may wonder where this is all going in respect to my biggest mental struggle.

When your support system is telling you that you can "do better" and that you ARE BETTER, you start to doubt what you are doing. It takes a lot of inner strength and contemplating to see if what you want truly is what you want. The same thing applies to my submission. I was always taught that relationships need to be equal. I was taught that women even should hold their men by the balls. I never liked that thought, however, it was something that was taught to me. So when I first submitted I realized that I needed the same confidence and assurance about my submission as I have about my future profession.

I thought that my contemplation would lead me to more mental "road blocks" about submitting. However, when thinking about it, I realized that this is always what I wanted. When I think about how I wanted MY relationship to work, I realized that my submission was key to it. So I think that my upbringing was my biggest mental struggle in my submission. I am very happy to say that I have come over that, but it was the biggest problem for the longest time. I found my peace though, happily. So what was my mental struggle is no longer there. Thankfully.

Kneeling Num 5

I can't believe it is day 5 already... Here is my kneeling thoughts for today...

What do you really want to do for us to enhance our D/s relationship? Its OK if you can’t afford it and/or it’s physically not possible to do for whatever reason. This is a time to fantasize. For example, do you want to go to a BDSM retreat or have a specific toy at home?

Okay, I really had fun thinking about this one. The first thing that popped into my mind was the bench that my Daddy and I used at the last play party we went to. The scene we had was so intense and so amazing that I fell in love with the bench. I also liked the fact that I was strapped down, so that is why I want that one and not just any bench. Oh, and I want the mirror in front of it too. It was nice to know that Daddy could see me while behind me. Yummy.



Going along with that night, I want a flogger. The thud-dy one we played with at that play party was heavenly. What nice sensations.



I want lots of rope. I love the feeling of rope on my skin. Whether it is something simple like the crotch rope under my clothes or actual bondage [mmmm] I would love to see more rope in anything we do.



On top of that, I would like to try some mental bondage. I have never done this, but read about it and I think I would really enjoy it. In case I am not using the right term, I am talking about "stay in this position" without anything keeping me there except my own will and desire to please him by staying there.



I would love to go to more parties, educational things, and play spaces. However, this ties into the "impossible" at least for the moment because of my age. It sucks majorly, but what are you going to do?



I would like to try more anal. Although I'm big on cleanliness, so that is always my biggest stopping point. Although the past couple of days I have been craving it... Daddy's cock will touch but then he will just put in my tight cunt. No complaints, I have had some amazing orgasms... I just really want it... I know he is respecting the fact that I like things to be clean and I know he likes it that way too. When I am in the middle of sex though that is not exactly what I am thinking though. I am thinking much dirtier naughtier thoughts about being a three hole slut... Maybe tonight... I know he is going to the drugstore perhaps I can ask him to pick up an enema.



I want ball gags. I like the drooling and the sounds when I am wearing one.



I want to be his sub in a threesome [or moresome] having him tell me how and when to please people of his choosing.



I am afraid I have probably missed some things that I thought about, so many different things came into my mind. It was a fun kneeling thought. I definitely enjoyed myself.

Kneeling Num 4

Remember the first time you felt submissive to me. How did this feel? Explain your emotions during this time.



This was another hard one for me to think about. I had to pinpoint an exact moment, something that definitely was not easy. My feelings for my Daddy definitely began to develop before us meeting. Which makes sense. I wouldn't have met someone in that type of situation who I didn't have some sort of feelings for. However, I did not feel like I was submissive to him before that point.



The point that I felt that way was the first weekend we were together. There was one point on Sunday where Daddy was sitting on the bed and I was sitting at the floor below him. He was asking me questions about what I liked and didn't like about our escapades. It wasn't even a conscious decision on my part to sit in that position, it just sort of happened. I looked up at him while we were talking and I realized that I liked what we were doing. I felt right sitting at his feet. Looking up at him... it calmed me. The questions made me realize that he cared enough about me to ask them. I knew at that moment that I could continue with him, being his, being submissive to him.



Looking back at that time, it was... magical. I know how nervous I was, and yet so calm at the same time. I can't believe how far we've come. Nothing makes me happier than being his. It all started before that weekend, but that weekend made it all real. That was the weekend that I fell in love with my Daddy. It was the weekend that I realized that he was the perfect man for me. And it was sitting at his feet that I realized I was submissive to him.

Kneeling Num 3

In what way can you improve your submissive nature?

This was a really tough one for me to think about. I think because my submissive nature, isn't something I think about, it sort of just is who I am. It isn't something I think about improving, because it is just me. Now that I said that, there are things I think I can improve on obviously, but that is just an explanation as to why this kneeling thought process was difficult for me.

I think the biggest things is doing what I'm told as many times as I'm told. The thing that stuck out for me in my second ten minutes was that I was given a task for this week, to melt twenty ice cubes in my pussy over seven days. I melted two the second day and one today [the third]. It hurts like hell. I've had ice on/in my pussy before and I know it is not something I really enjoy without other things in play. I knew it would hurt and made comments about it. Every time that I updated Daddy on the status of my ice number, I would say something along the lines of "it really hurt" or "very unpleasant" or "I really don't like it". My Daddy today changed the task to just one ice cube a day. This made me extremely happy. All of the things I said were true, but perhaps to improve my submissive nature I should wait until a task is completed fully to make comments. Because it wasn't complaining... at least, not what I consider complaining, it was merely comments. However, I can see how the comments could be construed as poor submissive behavior. I never made a positive comment about it. It was always negative, negative, negative. I can see how this would wear a person down.

I feel sort of bad because that is really the only thing that came into my mind. The whole twenty minutes. I thought of how from time to time I don't hear something my Daddy says and he has to repeat it, but that is not my nature, that is just my hearing. I said before, this was a really hard one for me. I wish that I could think of more, because I want to be the best submissive for him. I want to be the best everything for him. I love him so much and any way that I can improve, I want to. I want to be able to be everything he wants and more.

Kneeling Num 2

Name at least five things you enjoy doing in a submissive way, other than sexually.

I actually did read the "at least" today, but my list isn't much longer. There are so many things that I enjoy doing in a submissive way that I believe it would take me much longer than two ten minute kneeling periods to think of them.

1- Kneeling.

Genius, I know. To think of kneeling while I am kneeling. It is something that calms me though. I did it this morning as soon as I woke up pretty much and felt so content. It put me in my place right away. It is always a great thing to do when things are hectic because I do it for my Daddy. I don't kneel for anyone else. The meaning behind it for me is great.

2- Sitting at Daddy's feet.

Okay, this is something that I have loved since my Daddy and I met the first time. It is one of the things that I can still clearly remember about that weekend. Looking up at him, well.... I'll talk about that later this week.

3- Eating out.

Alright, this was a weird one for me when it popped up in my head. I love it when my Daddy tells me what I am going to eat when we are out someplace. I think it is because I am being taken care of, but I also don't have a choice and that turns me on, not sexually but just turns me on. He obviously takes my likes/dislikes into consideration. He makes sure that I don't get mushrooms/tomatoes/onions, but beyond that, I don't have a say. Now, this doesn't happen *every* time we go out, but I wouldn't mind if it did. I like it. :)

4- Sleeping naked.

This is one of my rules, so I figured because it is not sexual [although it could totally lead to sexual things, yummy!] I could add it. Also, if I was alone I would definitely wear panties and probably a shirt depending on the temperature. So it is the rule and my followance [yes, I totally just made that word up] of the rule that makes it make my list. I love the skin on skin contact, so when I am with my Daddy, it is definitely preferred by me so this is one of my favorite rules.

5- Cooking.

I wasn't sure if this one and the next one counted, but they are encompassed in my submission, so I am counting them. I love cooking and cooking for my Daddy, making sure he is taken care of is of supreme importance to me. Nourishment is a part of that "taking care of".

6- Cleaning.

Knowing that I am taking care of my Daddy, once again, makes me happy. Cleaning the house is a huge aspect of that. Right now it is a bit of a piece to chew, but once I get it to a daily manageable thing I am thinking that I won't be so exhausted just thinking of it. I am making my way through it, and although it is a bit more than I have done before by myself, I am still loving every moment. I am loving it because it ties into my submission to him.

I thought of a few more, but they were not as well developed. I love my Daddy. I am in love with my Daddy. I am HIS.

Kneeling Num 1

For the next seven days I will have been tasked with kneeling for ten minutes, twice a day. In the time that I am kneeling, my Daddy gave me things to think about and when I am finished with the twenty total minutes I am to blog about the end thought result. This is that first kneeling blog.

Name at least five things you mentally enjoy about submitting.

Darn. I did not read my kneeling prompt as well as I should have because I read it as "Name five things" not "at least five". So, while there are definitely more than five, these are the five that I thought up and went into detail on while I was kneeling.

1- Knowing that I can make someone else happy.

I do whatever my Daddy tells me. I am here to make him happy. This is my duty and it makes me happy to do so. There is no greater joy than knowing you are making someone else happy. I do what he tells me in every aspect. Knowing that I am here for him, and solely for him, to make him happy, is one thing that I mentally love about my submission.

2- Being able to relax about worrying about everything.

I am a huge planner. I love love love to plan. With respect to certain things it is an okay [and sometimes it is even a prized] trait. However, being able to not do this, is something that takes such a load off of me. Like I said in numero uno, Daddy tells me what to do and I do it. He is not a micro-manager, so I have certain freedoms within those things. Which pleases my planning side. I can do the bathroom, then the kitchen, then the bedroom. Or I can do the bathroom, then the bedroom, then the kitchen. As long as they all get done. I don't need to worry about what is not on my things to do. I don't need to worry about a lot of things that normally, without having the directive from him, I would be worrying about.

3- Knowing where I fit.

In most relationships that my friends have, they mostly complain about not knowing where they fit with their boyfriends/significant others. It is a constant power struggle. I have even fallen prey to this in previous relationships. There is a certain "Who do you think you are? You can't tell me what to do!". In my relationship now though, I know where I fit. I am His. I am his property. He can do with me as he pleases. Now there is not a struggle with the "Who do you think you are?" because he is my Daddy and I listen to him. I am his babydoll. This is definitely one of the five reasons I mentally love submitting.

4- Feeling safe.

Submission can be a scary thing. Think about it. You are giving yourself over to someone completely. They can do what they want and it doesn't matter what you want, you do it. It takes a lot of trust. However, once it happens, there is this almost constant blanket of comfort. At least for myself. I feel like I am always safe with him. He would never do anything to hurt me. [Unless it's fun pain :-P] It is more than just his overwhelming strength and the fact that someone would have to be insane to mess with him that makes me feel safe, it is a part of my submission. This is not exactly the same safe that I feel when I walk down the street with him, this is a mental safety. Which is why it is one of the things I love mentally about submitting.

5- Knowing that I am loved.

I don't think this needs too much explaining. I know that not all D/s relationships involve love. However, mine does. It had to make this list. Mentally, I do everything that I do, because I love him. He lights a passion within me. He inspires me to be the best submissive that I can be. He is the most amazing man I have ever met and the love that he gives me, is the thing I love most mentally about submitting.

Prompt- Letter

Pretend you are writing a thank you letter to someone you know in the Lifestyle.

Dear Bubbles,

I remember when I first started fetlife I was still very much in the dark as to how the whole thing worked. I didn't know if I could contact anyone, or if it was more like how I operate facebook and only those who I know in real life I add and talk to. I was contributing somewhat, but not to any real degree. I couldn't find any threads and when I did, someone else had already said what I would have. One day I found something that you said on a thread and it connected with me. I cannot remember what thread it was, I wish I did.

But anyway, that led me to your profile. I read your "about me" and the way you described your relationship was so... true. It felt like my words had been taken from me and were written on the screen. Whether or not it was correct protocol, I messaged you. I couldn't NOT message you. You were so friendly and just so happened to live really close. I was so happy when we started talking. You were such a genuine person. You were so nice and most of what you said I could directly relate to. Coming from a place where not too many could relate to me [or who I could relate to], it was amazing for me.

When we met, the connection you have with Shrew just was amazing to see. It was so much more intense than anything you had typed. Words cannot describe the love you have for each other. It is amazing to see you both together. Like I have said here before, I totally have a couple's crush on the both of you. You both are such great people individually and together you are this super power.

I want to thank you for being there to just talk, to ask questions, and to have you in my life even in the small way that you are. You are a fantastic person and I feel comfortable around you. You might be one of the best people I have ever met in my entire life. I know it sometimes seems cheesy when people say "don't ever change" but truly, don't ever change. Because you are an amazing person and I am lucky to have met you.

Thank you.

The Future

My Daddy tasked me with something that is a tad difficult for me. He told me that I should write out what I want in both the short and long term. It is for me, not him. It is hard mostly because I have a hard time sometimes admitting to myself what I want. Especially in the long term.

So let's start in the short term. In the next month I want to get settled in my new place. I think that is the most broad I can answer this and have it encompass everything. I want to get into my routine. I want to get a job. I want to take care of Daddy. I want to clean his house. I want to be in that position for him, to do whatever he wants of me. I know it seems like it may not be for me, but more than anything it will make me happy. And that is what I hope to achieve in the next month. I want to be happy.

I don't want it to sound like I was depressed, because I definitely wasn't. I am always a pretty happy person, however my home life wasn't good. I wasn't happy in that situation. It finally got to be too much. But, I know that this move is going to be so good for me.

In the long term? Well... I don't know. I want a life. I want to teach. I want other things that make me scared to admit. I want a family. I want happiness. I want to be able to succeed in every way. I want to succeed in home, work, family. The one that scares me most to admit is the family part. It is what I want though. So, I will admit it.

I want happiness. Whether I am talking about short or long term, I want happiness. That is what I am working towards. Simple perhaps, and maybe that is what everyone is working for. I hope this fills whatever my Daddy had in mind for me. Maybe a glimpse into what I want when I am down there. I want happiness. And to be honest, I want him. In the short term. And in the long term. That perhaps is hard for me as well. Admitting that I want him. It scares me. However, happiness is what I want. I can see happiness with him. So I don't know if I did what he was expecting with this. I hope I did. If not, expect another blog. :-P

Fantasy - Rape me.

It is Sunday and I was horny all day today. My pussy soaked through my panties. The cotton material was stuck to me and my scent was all I could smell. I tried to keep my mind off of my desire; I started listening to music and dancing. That didn't help though, my moves were too sexual. I finally stopped fighting it and hopped into my bed. I pulled out my little vibe and pushed aside my panties as this fantasy played in my head...

I am washing the kitchen floors. My headphones are blocking out any noise, music blaring into my ears. My hips are swaying to the music, my shorts are more like panties they are so short. I'm only wearing them and a sports bra. I should be alone in the house but I feel strange all of a sudden. I turn around and see him, standing in the doorway, licking his lips. I go to run but slip on the wet floor as I try to get up. A growl of a laugh comes from him. I try to stand up once again as he slowly walks over. As I finally get to my feet he grabs my wrist and tugs me down to the floor again. I start to scream out for help but he twists my arm until I am screaming in pain and he tells me to shut up. I listen and shut my mouth. He rips off my shorts and panties in one quick swipe. He calls me names. Filthy whore, as he dumps the dirty water over my face. I am gasping for breath. He just laughs. He shoves me into the position that he wants and takes me hard. Nasty slut. Your cunt is dripping. Disgusting bitch. I am left like that when he finishes. He walks out of the door, leaving me in a cold heap on the floor.

Simple Post.

I want his tongue.

I want his cock.

Mmmm.

My Kinky Life

I have written about my family before here, and how they found out about my Daddy and some of them know I am kinky. Before, when I was hiding my Daddy from them, I was sad and upset. I hate lying and I really hated hiding a part of myself from my mother especially. My mom and I are the only two people in my nuclear family. We were always really close and I pretty much told her everything. I knew there would come a time where I would not tell her everything, however it felt strange when it happened.

I was relieved when my mom found out about my Daddy and I, because it meant I could stop lying about where I was going and who I was talking to. However, I was only met with more hiding that I did not even consider before, my kinkiness. I feel like I want to talk to her, but I realize that she does not understand. She said something yesterday about how she doesn't think sex should be like how I have it. She made some comments about how she doesn't understand why it has to be like that every time. Then, when I tried to tell her that it isn't like that every time, she didn't want to listen because she doesn't want to know about my sex life. I will say, I don't want her knowing about my sex life either. However, I don't want her walking around believing things that aren't true.

I understand that she doesn't understand what I am doing. As much as I want to sit next to her and tell her how excited I am about things such as collaring, I know that she doesn't [and most likely will never] understand. It saddens me to a certain degree. It actually saddens me quite a bit. There is nothing I can do about it. I can only hope to move forward and get back to a semi-regular relationship. Hopefully one day she will stop judging me. Fingers crossed.

Prompt- Kneeling

How do you feel when you kneel or crawl?

I remember the first time that I was at my Daddy's feet, it was in the very first weekend that we met. It is one of the things that I remember so well, it is burned into my memory. It was simple enough, he was asking me what I did and did not like, but it was how we were, me at his feet, that made me feel... so calm. I loved that moment. Something inside of me was set alive at that moment. I love
the way that he makes me feel. I love being below him. I love sitting at his feet.

I have started kneeling for him from time to time on webcam. I also kneel for him even when he isn't on webcam. It is this magnificent feeling that calms me. I can close my eyes and feel at peace. I am so in love with him, and it give me this inner centered calmness. I love it, and I love him.

Prompt- Thankfullness.

What are you thankful for in your relationship or with your partner?

There are so many, many things I am thankful for in my relationship. I start to think of them and it is actually overwhelming. No matter how many things I list here I will always have more that I am thankful for. So please do not take this as a comprehensive list.

I am thankful for my Daddy. [Obviously] I am thankful that he contacted me on the website that we were on. I am thankful that I decided to message him back. I am thankful that I opened myself up enough to accept the love that I found. I am thankful that I decided to put my fears aside and meet him. I am thankful that he loves me. I am thankful that he doesn't judge me based on my family. I am thankful that he listens to me. I am thankful that he calls me before bed. I am thankful that he is open-minded and accepting. I am thankful that he is kind, caring, compassionate, loving, funny, smart, laidback, calming, etc etc etc. I am thankful for every moment that I have spent with him, and every moment that I will spend with him in the future, because those are the moments where I am my happiest.

Stream of Consciousness III

Alright everybody. Twelve minutes. Starting now.

I am scared. I am so deathly afraid these days. Being in love is the most wonderful feeling ever. I masturbated today with Ben-Wa balls in. It was one of the most intense orgasms of this week. I loved it. Mmmm. I was reading a story about gay guys. That seems to be the only thing that can get me off these days. I tried watching gay porn to see if it had the same effect... It didn't. I had to turn it off, it did nothing for me. But the stories definitely did. In fact, when my Daddy and I were together and he went out for a conference call he allowed me to play and use his computer to find stories. I was in the middle of using a gay story, so sorry Daddy, you have gay porn stories in your cookies, or history, or whatever.

I'm horrible with computers. Oh, but is it bad that I wish I could have finished getting off by myself? Daddy came back from his call about thirty minutes early and I was *so* close. He ate me out and I came, but still, sort of wish that I could have gotten myself off. Which is weird, but whatever. I like masturbating. I like sex more though. I miss sex. I seriously miss sex. I miss my Daddy. I think about him all the time. It can be quite inconvenient when I am trying to keep my concentration and all I can think about is his thick cock or something of the like. That's not even true, I think about his cock often, but more often, I just think about him. I love him. I am in love with him. He makes me so happy. I feel like I am floating everywhere.

I really want to be spanked. I want my ass a bright red. I want him to hurt me. I hate that I have to wait another month before anything else happens. I detest the distance more and more every time he leaves. I feel so alone. I want him. I want him. I want him. That is all that runs through my mind. I love him.

I love fetlife. I love that it connects me to the people in the community. How wonderful is that? I met Bubbles through fetlife. I really like Bubbles. I like what she has to say, and more than that, I like her relationship. The way she presents how she feels resonates with me because I can identify so readily with it.

I love my Daddy. I love my Daddy's freckles. I love my Daddy's red hair. I seriously love my Daddy's red hair. I never even considered hair color before. But his hair is so amazing. I love it. I was thinking about his hair yesterday. I love his hair. Gosh, that is repetitive. Oh well, that is the harm of doing this thing, my brain can be repetitive.

I am only wearing a shirt and a bra. Oh, and Ben-Wa balls. My pussy is soaking. I masturbated about twenty minutes ago. Oh, I already told you that... Whoops.

I need money.

I love my friends. I miss a lot of my friends from high school. They were an attentive bunch, always listening to my sex-capades. What better friends can you ask for? Friends that listen to all your sex-ventures and don't judge!

Alright, that was 12 minutes. :)

'Nilla vs. Kinky

I was talking with my friend Platinum the other day. She is vanilla, but is so extremely open to hearing everything I talk about. Which is absolutely fantastic. I love her. I was worried the first time I mentioned rape, thinking that she would throw me out on the highway to get run over by a car going 120 miles per hour. Instead she listened and understood that it is a fantasy and that I don't condone real rape. I don't get why certain people don't get that. But anyway, she is an amazing friend. That is not what this blog is about though.

This blog is about sex. Everyone [well almost everyone] is having it. I don't understand why my kinky preferences are such a big deal. But, that isn't what this blog is about either. This blog is about vanilla sex. I don't understand it. I have it from time to time. I love it. Sometimes I crave it. However, I know I couldn't have it without the kinky things there too. I would find it boring. I have found it boring. My first relationship that included sex was a top/bottom [that is the only proper definition in my opinion] relationship. It included pain. So perhaps it couldn't even go as far as top/bottom but as far as sadist/masochist. [Once again, that is not what this blog is about either...] Then I had sex with a couple of guys before my Daddy. The guys in between were boring in bed. I always wanted more. I wanted pain, I wanted kinky. I know how great it is to take things slow and to not always be kinky, but I could not do it for very long. I get bored after a while. It is like my mind wanders to other things... [What was the homework for English?... Did you see what so-and-so was wearing today?... That was a horrible speech...]

Once again, this is me. I'm sure that if this is true for me, then the opposite must be true for others. I'm not saying that this is how it is, I'm saying this is how it is for me. I'm also not putting down vanilla sex. I love vanilla sex, in moderation. I love it when my Daddy and I are together and it isn't all kinky and naughty, it is something more soft. I feel like I have to qualify that with saying that kinky sex can be soft too, and that hard sex isn't always kinky. Sex is like the rainbow, there is so many different kinds. I am just giving my view on something...

Next Time

I miss my Daddy. However, I am really really really really really looking forward to the next time we are together. On my other blog I wrote about all of the regular things that I want to do the next time we are together, like sleeping together, kissing, and holding hands. *insert awwww sound here*

What I am also looking forward to is all of the magically amazing things we do in [and out] of bed. I am actually really looking forward to being spanked. If I am going to make a trip down by him, he has a paddle that I am looking forward to get acquainted with. I want my ass to be so red that it is the same color as a stop sign. I want his cock. I want to be raped [big surprise]. I want more rope. Lots and lots of rope. I want to be taken. I want sex. I want to be a heap of satisfied mass. I want Him....

I want lots more, but that is a rundown...

Sunday, September 13th

I did not like waking up on Sunday. I knew in my heart that my Daddy was leaving, as soon as I started to wake up that was in my mind. I felt the tears starting to well up. I left the bed to go to the bathroom, cried for a moment only to compose myself so I could get back into bed. I snuggled back under the covers when my Daddy started to touch. I started to squirm. To be honest, I didn't want his touch because I wanted to go back to sleep because in my mind if I went back to sleep, Sunday would never come and we could stay there... together. That is all I want, I just want to be with him. My squirming was seen to be resistance and to do the play rape that I had been asking for. I didn't mind, as my wet cunt could tell you.

After the rape I curled under the covers. Not sure if I was seeking warmth, or hiding from leaving. It was a hard day for me. The day he leaves always is a hard day. It is even hard writing this. I may or may not be crying [although leaning more towards may]. Although one of my favorite moments was right before we were leaving the hotel room and I was over by the bed clearing my stuff when he came up behind me, pushed my face into the bed and pulled my dress up and started fucking me. His cock is amazing.

We ended up going out to eat and watch the football game. :) I enjoyed myself [despite what the tears may have been saying]. I dropped him off at the airport and cried again. Big surprise. I got through most of my drive home without crying. I was two miles away from my house when I broke down again. I didn't want to be going back to my house, because it hit it home that I wasn't going home to him...

It is still hard that he is not here. However, I am looking forward to the next time that he is here. Which I think will be in November... I miss him like hell...

Saturday, Sept 12th

Waking up Saturday was pleasant. I knew that I would hopefully be seeing one of my favorite kinky people. This girl I met on fetlife and was attracted to what she said about her fiance, it resonated with me. You can tell from everything that she says that they are in love, and I adore that. I am going to call her... Bubbles. :D I like that. She is so nice and bubbly and seriously one of my favorite kinky people. Well, I knew that I was most likely going to be seeing Bubbles and her finance [who I will call... Shrew]. I was super excited.

I texted Bubbles and we talked about a fest that was going on, but she told me about another fest that was happening closer to her so we decided to go there instead. I was thrilled! I really wanted to get together with Bubbles and Shrew. They are such a great couple. Daddy and I ended up meeting them at the perfect time. Despite my lamenting that we were going to be late. Bubbles was wearing this really amazing collar that I adored. I love collars. I love looking at other people's collars. There was beer, pretzels, and fun to be had.

Bubbles had to go halfway through hanging out for her job, but my Daddy, Shrew and I hung out for a while. My Daddy and Shrew talked about computers and such. Most of it went over my head but that was okay, because I was happy to be with my Daddy. Not to mention, I know Bubbles more than I know Shrew, so it was nice to get to hang out with him for a bit longer. It just strengthened my adoration of them. They are such a great couple. I'm going to stop gushing before they realize I have a total couple crush on them.

My Daddy and I left Shrew to go back to the hotel to get ready for a... PLAY PARTY!!! It was with the group of people at my munch. I wore this killer dress and awesome shoes! It was freakin hot. We ate before we went in, which is what we did before the last party. Perhaps tradition in the making? We got in and listened to the "do"s and "don't"s. They had things there to play with which I was most excited about. My Daddy and I went into this back room and I got up on the St. Andrew's Cross and Daddy used two stingy things on me. I don't know their proper names... so sue me.

After doing that for a bit we mingled some more. Met some new great people who I am excited about seeing again. Then Daddy hooked me up to a wall. It was amazing. I loved having my face up against the wall, it was degrading a bit, which turned me on. My wrists were in these lined cuffs and my ankles had rope around them. Yummy rope! He took a flogger and flogged my back. It was absolutely delightful. As soon as we were done I told Daddy that I want to get a flogger. :D

THEN it happened. The gloriousness happened. I got onto a bench that was like the one pictured and got strapped on. My ass was exposed for him to do as he wished. He started and I was excited. I felt like my heart was in my throat. He started light, then went harder and harder. It was amazing. It was like nothing I have ever experienced before. It stopped hurting, it started making me tingle. I was writhing, I was crying, but I loved every moment of it. I almost don't want to write about it because it is something I want to keep personal. It is a little moment of time that I don't want to share. It is mine and mine alone. I reached a place that I have never reached before. I felt like I was floating. It was a calm feeling. It is something that cannot be fully described. I cannot wait to do it again.

I am in love. With my Daddy. For so many reasons. He is so amazing. I love him with all of my heart body and soul. Sometimes that frightens me, I am scared to get hurt... Yep, there it is. I am frightened sometimes. But I know that I love him and there is nothing I can do about that now. But you know the great thing? He loves me too. He really does, and that makes me float around on cloud nine all day and smile like a crazy banshee.

Friday, Sept 11th

So, then the next day...

Waking up next to my Daddy is one of the best things in the whole world. Feeling his skin next to mine is seriously one of the most amazing feelings. [It is one of the things I miss most] We woke up and some really good morning sex. Since we slept in, there wasn't too much we did before heading out to go to the tobacco shop and pet store!

My Daddy went to the tobacco shop to get some tobacco for his pipe. I walked down the street to a pet store we visited last time. I went straight to the cages and almost started crying, all of the same cats [minus one] were still there! A month later... It just tears me up. However, I can understand why, the cats are 300 dollars! 300!!! I'm sorry, that is just insane.

After admiring the kitties, we went over to a friend's house. I'll call her Sushi. We went over to Sushi's house and it was her, her mentor [who I will call Kite], my Daddy and I. We had some drinks [me not so much, I don't really drink all that often] and ate dinner. It was really nice, being able to laugh and talk with friends. I felt so bad because I didn't bring anything food-wise. I would never imagine going over to someone's home without bringing something or at least asking to bring something. Considering my Daddy and I were living out of a hotel room bringing something would be a bit hard. So instead we packed along the movie, Secretary. Kite and Sushi were thrilled. So after dinner we all gathered round and watched the movie. It was good, I had never seen it before.

After dinner the men went out for a smoke telling us to make a decision on what to do next. Instead we gabbed. I think it was in the back of all of our minds what was going to happen next, no need for us to discuss it. The men came back in and we laughed over the whole entire "my family grilling Daddy" incident. Then the men asked if we discussed what we were going to do, we both shook our heads, nope. It didn't take long though for me to have my skirt up to show off my panties [per Daddy's order]. Then we walked into Sushi's bedroom to see the toys that were available for the evening. In no time I was naked with my wrists and neck tied together. I loved the feel of the rope, and I loved the feel of being tied, vulnerable, secured. I used my mouth to work DAddy up as right next to me Sushi was doing the same for Kite.

To be honest, the rest of the evening was a bit of a blur.My Daddy and Sushi had some fun in the bedroom while Kite and I had our own fun in the living room. It was my first time doing anything with more than one-on-one interaction. It had been in my fantasies for so long. I will admit, it wasn't as fanciful and fun as I imagined. However, I think that with time it'll be better. There wasn't entirely respect all the way around, and if that was different, I think it would have been better. Also, Sushi isn't into girls, which saddened me, but I understand it. I don't expect every girl to be into girls. I think it would have made the whole thing better though. But Sushi is an amazing girl who I adore. I really want to hang out and become closer friends. I feel like I can be friends with her. No need for sex between friends.

My Daddy and I left and I fell asleep on him on the train again. I think just being near him makes me want to curl up and sleep because I feel so comfortable and safe. He is the most amazing guy. He can read me like no one else. I am HIS, completely. That is the way I like it. That is who I have become, and I don't mind one bit.

Thursday, Sept 10th

Thursday my Daddy came in. I was so excited. I woke up especially early to get ready. I groomed and prepped until it was finally time for me to get in the car and go pick him up. I was driving to the airport when the phone rang. It was my Daddy! I then saw that up ahead, the road was closed. I was pissed, I am horrible with directions and didn't know how to get to the airport otherwise. Luckily my Daddy is a genius and helped me out, only to come to realize I was going the right way the whole time. I pulled up to the arrivals and saw him standing there, handsome. My heart fluttered. I was so excited I was fumbling with my seatbelt and pretty much making a fool of myself. Daddy actually deposited his bag in the backseat and got in the passenger side before I could even unbuckle. I was so excited. I kissed him then we were on our way.

I couldn't believe he was right there. It felt like forever since the last time we saw each other. We went to the hotel [insanely early] but the staff were nice enough to let us check in. I was sooooo excited about this because it meant more sex time! We were in the hotel less than five minutes before clothes were off. I love my Daddy's naked body.

We have this tradition that the very first thing that we do when my Daddy comes in, is I'm on top. Simple really, but it is always done that way. I love the way that his cock stretches me out. The nice thing is that I can control the speed and since it is the first time again I like to go slower just to accustom myself again. But we fucked and fucked some more. It was quite quite amazing. I came quite a bit, although that is per usual.

Then I knew it was going to happen. He told me to grab the lube and he went to get a towel [to make sure that the lube didn't get on the sheets]. I spread my legs and threw them up, giving him full access to the only virgin part left of me, my ass. I was nervous. I was scared. I knew it wouldn't hurt, but I didn't think it would be pleasurable either. He came back and lubed up my tight ass, slipping a finger in. My eyes were clenched tight, I was so anxious. Then he put his cock up against the loosened hole. Popping the head inside was the hardest part for me. Not because it was actually difficult, but because I was so nervous I wasn't letting myself be open to the possibility of enjoying it. He slowly pushed further and further into me, slow thrusts. My eyes weren't as clenched, it didn't hurt. Finally he was all the way in. He thrusted, in and out, in and out, in and out. I'm sure my face was entertaining because I went from clenched nerves to "ooooo" and "ahhhh". It felt good!!! Coupled with the name calling [after all, I am a dirty little three hole slut] I actually came. Which was the most surprising thing for me. I couldn't believe it!!!! I enjoyed the heck out of myself! And I know from the reaction it got out of him that he enjoyed himself too! :D That is definitely something that will be happening again I am sure of it.

After that we had to run to an appointment and from the appointment we ran to the grocery store then we went to an adult store then back to the hotel then to the munch that we go to. Mundane and boring stuff usually, but with him, it is all so much better. I love being with him. He makes everything so much better. Being around him makes me happy. The thing that always comes to mind after these visits is how much he actually cares. We were grocery shopping and a blister formed on my foot [pleasant reading, I know] and he walked slower to make sure I didn't agitate it any more than I had to. It is the simplest thing that really means the world.

We went back to the hotel and unpacked everything. Including my new Ben Wa balls! We put them in then headed off for the train to go downtown for the munch. Halfway there we had to switch trains and this one was waaaay more crowded. We had to stand. It wasn't bad at first but then the train started jerking and swaying. At this point I would usually be terrified, but my pussy was soaking and only getting wetter. I looked up at him and he knew that I was having lots of fun. He leaned down and growled in my ear, telling me how everyone on the train knew I was a little slut and how dirty I was. Talk about dripping!

We finally made it to the munch and I got to sit down. Which meant I wasn't having the Ben-Wa balls spinning around. I got to see a few people who I really like. So many people are friendly! I love it. I had a hookah for the first time. It was pineapple flavored. It was fun. I will admit though, I just like being next to him. We ended up leaving later in the evening. I fell asleep on the train back, curled up onto my Daddy as much as I could be. He makes me feel so safe. I feel like I can relax around him.

When we got into the hotel room and both of us were so exhausted that we fell asleep. In his arms I feel at home. In his arms is where I belong, it is where I want to be.