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Monday, November 30, 2009

Strange...

I am sitting at Platinum's university right now. Being all sneaky as a visitor. Lots of thoughts are running through my head. I really don't know what to do... I don't even know how to go about writing about what exactly happened this past week. Things have changed so much with my mother. I had high hopes. I wanted so badly for everything to work out. I was even excited about moving back. I really thought that things could change...

Then it... was different. I was still trying and yet it wasn't working. She thought that... well, I don't know what she thought and I am not about to speculate. The situation turned from bad to nightmare.

I don't know what to think, I don't know what to type...

Never in a million years would I have thought that it would have gone to the place that it went...

I am still in shock. Two days later.

It is killing me that I cannot reach Sky.

I am worried.

I am frightened.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Such a change.

I feel like I need to write. It will be much easier to write this out and perhaps post it on fetlife than explain it multiple times via private messages.

I will be moving back to Chicago.

I am moving out of my Daddy's home and back in with my mother. Part of my shudders to even type that. I swore up and down that I would never move back. I promised. Things have changed.

For people who know me intimately, know that my mother is a bit... off her hinge.

She needs some help and the only way that will happen is if I am there to help her.

I don't want to come off as a saint though. This decision is not all based on her. I'm doing this for me partially as well. I don't have a job where I am with my Daddy, and schooling down there is not my cup of tea. Moving back in with my mother will solve those problems. I will not have them handed to me like I was getting previously, however this makes me happier in a sense too.

I am assuming much more responsibility with this move. As it was put to me, I am no longer in a parent-child relationship. I will be in a parent-adult relationship.

Daddy and I talked and talked and talked, and I cried, about this decision. He felt that it was in my best interest to make the decision and not have him make the decision. I'm not going to lie, I wanted him to make the decision. I wanted to take the easy road out. I didn't want the responsibility of making it. However, I realize now that he was so helpful with me in making that decision. This does not change our relationship, only the distance.

As he has told me many times, the distance doesn't change the amount of love we have for one another. I know I will have a hard time sleeping again. I know that there will be many tears. But I also know that he is working to move to Chicago too. I love him, and he loves me.

He supports this because as he says, I need to do this now so the 'us' in the future can work out. I love him and I thank him for talking me through this. I know that this is the right choice for me to be making logically, even if emotionally when I think about it I feel like a train has hit me.

I was worried that it would feel like a step back in our relationship, but it won't be. We survived living together. Our love is strong. Our relationship has strengthened. I love him with all of my heart, body, and soul. Just because we once again are assuming a long distance relationship doesn't hurt us, it makes us stronger.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Hectic

I've been so wound up lately. Just with thoughts and writing. I'm doing NaNoWriMo and so far beyond. It's sometimes hard for me to start writing, but once I hit a groove I feel like I am good. The internet is just such a distraction. Such as this blog :P . However, I felt like I needed to write.

I am visiting my family for Thanksgiving. I'll be there for a little over a week. I know it will be strange and I think it'll be hard on me. Last week my thoughts were all on the possibility of being pregnant. [Which I am not, however the no period thing was weird. I did take two preggo tests to confirm though] When my thoughts were on the possibility of having my Daddy's baby it forced me to evaluate our relationship. I guess that kind of thing does have that effect...

Well, what I realized is that even though there are things that I am not 100% fanatical about here, I feel at home. I realize that my mom will try to convince me to come back home when I am there. However, the thing is, I was not happy when I was there. Daddy says I need to consider what my mother offers. Not because he doesn't want me with him here, but because for my education it is better if I am up there since that is the only way my mother will pay for it.

I'm torn. I truly am. I don't want to leave. I know this already. However, my education is something that is soooo important to me, and to my Daddy. I haven't found a job down here and I do believe that I would have an easier time back in my old town. I do think that things would be different between my mother and I. However, I don't want to leave my Daddy. I have a home here. It kills me to even think of leaving. Not to mention, I've gotten used to seeing him everyday. Part of me is just wanting to be selfish and just stay here for that reason alone.

My mind has been a mess lately. I feel like I am being torn apart. I don't really know what is going on in my head. I guess we will find out next week... I'm sure I'll be blogging more about this. Stay tuned...

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Cootchie Cootchie Coo.

Alright, so I haven't blogged in forever. Damn twitter. :P Well... some things have been happening in my life that I need to write about, even if it is just to work things out in my own head.

[Warning: There may be TMI in this post!!!]

Last week I thought I was pregnant. I was feeling strange. Usually I break out slightly before my period, and no break out. Actually, I just felt under the weather. I threw up a couple times, peeing all the time, I was getting headaches, I was having problems staying "regular", and my breasts were really tender. At first I thought I might have come down with the flu. However, when looking up my symptoms... Pregnancy was at the top of the list.

I was scared. What if my birth control failed and I was pregnant???

I thought about it and decided not to tell my Daddy unless I actually was pregnant. However, my period wasn't supposed to start until this week, so I decided not to take a test until my period should have started. If I got my period then I wouldn't have to worry about a test! Anyway, it was weighing on my mind.

Oh, and mood swings are a symptom too, and I'm sure my Daddy could tell you that I definitely did have those.

So anyway... Daddy and I went into his office on Saturday. I felt myself starting to get queasy in the middle of his office. I excused myself and went into the bathroom for a bit. I didn't want him to know I was getting sick...

One of the nice things about living with Daddy is that he allows me to drink alcohol inside the house. Without thinking I asked him to get something for me to drink. He agreed and went to the liquor store Saturday night. While he was gone I realized I couldn't drink if I was pregnant. I know that it probably wouldn't matter since it was so early on, but I couldn't consciously do that... He came back and I didn't know how to tell him that I just made him go get me some alcohol and then I wasn't going to drink it. All I said was how I didn't feel like drinking it and that I would save it for later that week.

His response? It's okay, I've already figured it out.

My heart stopped. What??? You figured what out?

We talked for a while, apparently he put two and two together with some of my funniness. We both want kids, but this was not a part of our plan. Not right now. However after talking about it we realized that we would accept whatever outcome came.

Since he knew I could start looking around at information online. I think this was my biggest mistake. I want kids. I have always known this. So when reading some of this stuff, it made me want to be pregnant. In my head I knew that NOW wasn't really the best time, but that is because of reasons not having to do with my desire to be a mother. I don't know... It's weird.

One of my biggest fears in life is that for some weird reason I won't be able to have children.

Anyway, I was finding all this stuff out and falling more and more in love with the idea of being a mom. Which is crazy, because I am 19, without a job and not going to school at the moment. However, we would make it work. I knew that. I figured that this could be the best mistake ever. [Weird I know...]

I realized how slim the chance was that I was pregnant though. I knew that I would be okay with not being pregnant too. Because that is the thing, both sides have pros. Both sides have cons.

It's weird, because while on a level I wanted to be pregnant, on another level I definitely did NOT want to be pregnant. I mean, they are expensive and it would be such bad timing.

So I was constantly teetering on this edge.

We decided that we would take a pregnancy test Monday. We woke up early [much to Daddy's chagrin due to late night football] and went to the store. We bought the test and headed over to a McDonald's across the street. Classy, I know... But Daddy had to get to work and it is better to take it with first urination of the day, so that's how it had to go.

I went into the stall, trying to crack jokes to myself but I was nervous. For good reason... I pulled down my pants, reread the directions to make sure I was doing it right... and peed.

Waiting is the hardest part. Thoughts ran through my head, I want to be, I don't want to be, I really don't want to be, it wouldn't be a bad thing... etc. Finally I look over...

Not pregnant. I had to sit for a couple of minutes. I expected to cry a bit, but I didn't. I was sad though. I was quiet during my egg mcmuffin. I went home and slept. Pretty much the whole day. I wanted to drink that night, but knew that wouldn't be smart.

After Monday I came to grips with it. I needed a day to process then I was fine. I then knew I should be expecting my period...

Except... it hasn't come yet.

Now I am back to thinking it might have been a false negative. I'm not getting my hopes up. Right now I feel more levelheaded. I realize that I probably am not pregnant. If I am, I am, but I am not thinking of that. So yeah, I hope that this didn't bore you or give you TMI. I'll update you guys on it later...

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Prompt- Anger/Upset

I have a list of a few prompts that I keep stored up in case I want to blog and can't think of anything to blog about. There is one that I keep putting off because, well, I just didn't want to write about it. However I think due to recent occurrences, I will do the prompt now.

How do you communicate when you are angry/upset?

I think that I am both ends of the spectrum here. At first, I don't want to talk. I get a very "whatever" attitude. If the problem gets dropped, then this actually is good because then whatever I was angry/upset over didn't get blown into a bigger problem. I say this happens 75-80% of the time. I let things go very easily. Some people have said that it "isn't healthy" to keep things inside, but the thing is, I don't keep them. I don't say anything, but once it is over, it's over. It's not like I keep a bank of issues inside. Then I would agree that it is a fucked up way to deal with things.

The other end of the spectrum is I want to talk... A LOT. I want to resolve things, and until every little thing is resolved, I don't want to stop talking. This is an issue for me because the conversations tend to take hours. lol. If I am going to talk about my anger/upset at something, be prepared to talk a lot. I want to resolve things fully. These are usually with people I am extremely close to. It's not like I get upset at an acquaintance and have this four hour long conversation about it with them.

I think both ways sometimes get people annoy with me.

Keep in Mind

Please keep in mind that everything I write is my opinion and what works for me. Please don't ever feel like I am trying to force my ways on you, or that I feel your way is wrong. Things are different in every M/s, D/s, T/b relationship. What works for me may not work for you or the next person. It is all I know and therefore all I can write about. Please feel free to comment and let me know how your relationship or opinion differs though. :) Much love!

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