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Sunday, January 31, 2010

Upset with myself.

Daddy tried to do something tonight. He brought out rope, had me gagged, had a whole bunch of toys out. I finally felt like I was getting something special. We haven't done anything like that in such a long time that I have ignored my want for it. I essentially stop myself from desiring it.

Well stupid me decided to write about a past shitty relationship today. Smart right? So when Daddy goes and hits me with the shoehorn, I can't take it. He hits me about five times before I am literally trying to rip the rope from the chair I am tied to. I was scared out of my fucking mind. I couldn't take it. He was trying to calm me down but I felt frightened and ashamed all at the same time. I was moving so hard that I could have tipped the chair over easily. He got me to calm down enough to remove the rope, and I cried. I cried for a solid five minutes at least.

He comforted me. I was ashamed of myself. I hated myself for wanting something so badly and when it was finally given to me, on his terms and not from me asking, I couldn't take it. I feel worthless. I feel like I am a worthless slave.

I feel like I am disappointing him. I told him this and he said it wasn't true. He said he loves me and I am a good slave.

Sometimes though... I feel alone. I wish I was in Chicago around friends. I wish I had only a ten minute drive to my best friend's house. I don't though. I'm thousands of miles away.

I don't know what I want from him. I want him just to know what to do. I know that sounds bad, because he is not a mind reader. Just this once I wish he was. I wish he knew what to do to make me feel better. Because I don't.

My abuse.

Many, many bloggers are writing about their experiences with rape. I have never been raped. I am extremely fortunate with that. I hope to continue to be that fortunate. However, I do know what it is like to be scared. I know what it is like to have a man strike fear in your heart.

I was in my freshman year of high school. I never had a real boyfriend. Sure, I had gone on dates, but nothing that lasted enough to call whatever it was a relationship. I was at the age were peer pressure and puppy love was all around me. All of my friends were dating and I felt so left out. I had crushes, but it was never on guys who had crushes back.

My mom one night told me that we were going to meet her friend from work at a restaurant. I did not want to go. It sounded boring. I really didn't have a choice though. I still remember that night. I remember what I was wearing, maybe because it was brought up so many times after that night... I was wearing a low-cut aqua halter and black dance pants.

We went to the restaurant and met my mother's friend. She had her three kids in tow, a baby boy, a girl who was in third grade, and a guy who was a year older than me. Oh, he was dashing. We talked among the two of us while our parents talked. He was devilishly good looking and we flirted shamelessly. Somehow during the course of the meal I slipped him my number without our parents knowing.

When my mother and I left the restaurant and were in the car she immediately turned to me and told me that I could not like him. She said how he was a bad boy, he was trouble. Of course being 14, I didn't listen. He called and we talked for hours during the middle of the night.

His mom and his dad were divorced and he spent every weekend switching houses. This meant that the two younger siblings [half siblings really] needed someone to watch them if their parents wanted to go out on the weekends that he was not there. I was a responsible young girl who had a couple of babysitting gigs under my belt so they asked me. Of course I said yes.

At this point the boy and I had started to call ourselves a couple. The first time I babysat, he sneaked over [to his mother's house which still makes me giggle to be honest] and spent some time with me. This patterned continued over a handful of times I babysat. Then there would be the times I told my mother I was going to a friends house and he would take me out instead. That was how our relationship worked.

A little over a month into our relationship I did or said something he didn't like. To be honest, I really can't remember. I don't know if I blocked it out or if it was something that just wasn't memorable. But I do remember that slap. It stung. The force behind it left my face a bright pink. He immediately apologized and said he would never do it again. He had tears in his eyes. He didn't want me to leave, he said.

I stayed.

The abuse got worse. He would punch and kick and use household objects to bruise me. He was so smart about it though. He would only do it in places that I could hide easily. He was in high school too so he knew that shorts and tshirts had to be worn during gym so he hit my back, sides, and uppers legs.

I never told anyone. I was always super careful about changing in gym class. I had lockers next to a really close friend so I knew if she suspected anything she would say something. I want to say I don't know why I hid it. I want to say that I loved him and that's why. But I didn't love him. I just wanted a boyfriend. He was a good boyfriend when he wasn't hitting me. It was probably because he was perpetually making it up to me.

It got worse around our 8 month mark. He started using knives to control me. He would only do it on my back though. Cut little tiny cuts into me. Nothing that would hurt too much, nothing that would bleed too much, just enough to let me know he was in control and could do damage if he wanted to.

The circumstances of me actually leaving him have nothing to do with the abuse actually. He was a jealous guy, so being at different high schools never was a plus for us. He would call me on the bus every day because he didn't like one of the guys I talked to on the bus. He was so jealous that he lied about cheating on me to see if I would say I cheated on him too. Apparently I could have a boyfriend who abused me, but not a boyfriend who didn't trust me. I broke up with him.

He of course didn't like that I broke up with him. I stopped babysitting for his younger siblings because there was no guarantee he wouldn't show up. I stopped taking his phone calls because they were always threatening me- then begging me to give him another chance. I cut off all ties.

A year later I told my friend a little bit about it. She was the girl who changed next to me in gym. She admitted she always wondered why I was so weird about changing. She hugged me. She said she wished she knew what was going on so she could have done something. She was the only friend I told.

Since then the only time I have talked about him is on the internet. Mostly because there is always the question of how I got into the kinky lifestyle. I do credit that to my sex life with him. We were both very open sexually. I was never ashamed to ask for something more taboo or anything like that. He was also the first person to spank me.

I have been known to say that I don't regret the relationship/I'm grateful for the relationship because it led me to realize I am kinky. I think there is *some* truth in that, but mostly, it helps me not feel stupid for staying so long. I was in that relationship for over a year.

This is the first time I have ever said/written everything down. I have never told anyone about the knife aspect before. So while I have never been raped, and would not compare what I went through to rape, I have been abused. I don't know if it fits with what my fellow bloggers have been writing about, but whenever I read something of theirs this relationship would pop into my head...

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Age Play

I got an email today from someone who has read my blog. [Wooo for emails from readers!] They noticed that I call my boyfriend, Daddy. They also noticed that in my about me page I say that I am not into age play. I also mention this in my edencafe bdsm definitions article. Her question was how I felt about age play. She asked if I looked down upon it. She also asked why I don't partake.

So I answered her questions individually and felt that it was something that the readers here might be interested in. So here you go...

How do I feel about age play?

How do I feel about it? Well I feel fine with it. I feel like it is a kink that, like some other kinks, is considered taboo because people who don't understand it associate it with pedophilia. I am comfortable with my age playing friends because I know it is a part of them. Just like being a slave is a part of me.

Do I look down upon age play?

No! I hope that no one gets this impression from my blog. A lot of my friends are age players.

Why don't I partake in age play?

I don't partake in age play because it isn't something that I feel passionately about. While at some point I do find I have tendencies that relate themselves to age play, it isn't something I could see myself really devoting a part of my heart to - right now. However, as I state in my kinky 100, I am intrigued by nonsexual age play. It is definitely on my list of things to explore further.

Those were my answers to her about my feelings about age play. I hope that no one feels that I look down upon or have any negative feelings what-so-ever about age play. Like I stated, a lot of my friends are age players. I know it is confusing to many that I call my Daddy, Daddy, and there is no age play involved. It is something that I may become more interested in, in the future. But right now I'm doing so many other things that I don't think I have the proper time to devote to exploring it fully.

If anyone has any questions further, don't hesitate to email me- or comment here.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Super Cool Anal Article

So, this really awesome chick wrote about anal... It is a pretty sweet article that you all should check out. It's at, here. :D

I am a couch.

So, I am a slave, however, my Daddy is not a Master. He is a wonderfully perfect Dom though. I know that many people turn their heads in confusion at this. I will more often than not will just say I am in a M/s relationship because it is easier for people to understand.

My Daddy asked me yesterday what I wanted different for him to be my Master. My answer is that there is nothing different to DO. He acts like my Master. However, there is one key thing that would have to change.

See, my Daddy needs to maintain that I have a choice to leave. I know he feels that I can, and he has given me that out if I so choose, but I don't see that as an option. That is why I am a slave. I am his. If he kicks me, breaks my bones, tells me to eat mushrooms, or turns into a big bad monster, I still cannot leave. He owns me. A couch doesn't have a choice to walk out the door, the owner of the couch needs to literally pick it up and put it on the curb. [In that analogy I am the couch.]

I am a couch.

However, someday perhaps he will change his thoughts and will become my Master. I cannot predict the future. For now we are just fine as Dom and slave. :) It works for us.

Why I am a childless mother.

So I was reading a post here that inspired me to write this.

I am 19 and have no children. This is a good thing for me considering that I don't have a job and am only doing some online course until my Daddy and I get settled in Chicago. I had a pregnancy scare a couple months ago that I wrote about here. It was a weird time for me. As you could read there, I was very conflicted with what I wanted the test to come out as.

See, here's the thing... I am a mother.

I know that I want kids. I know that I would be a good mother. It's scary don't get me wrong. What if they have special needs? What if they grow up to be a coke-head? What if they are disabled? There are a bunch of what ifs. Those what ifs are scary as hell. But I know that I wouldn't be complete if I wasn't a mother.

I am extremely lucky that my Daddy wants kids too. He actually wants three. I only want one... I did tell him though that if he wants more he has to knock me up in quick succession.

When I was in high school there were some times where I hung out with my young cousin. I looked older than I was so many times people around me thought I was just a young mother. The weird thing? I wouldn't correct them and at certain times I would go along with it. I've always wanted to be a mother.

I'm good with kids. I have this deep desire to be a mother.

I know that right now isn't the best time. With the way the economy is and the fact that we want to be Chicago, we know that waiting is the best thing. I forget what brought it up but Daddy said that he thinks the best time will be either a year before I'm done with college or as soon as I get done. I... sorta agree. I mean, that is a good time. But the impatient part of me wants a baby sooner.

Part of me can't believe I'm 19. I mean, I've always said that I want kids when I'm 20-21. That means I want kids in the next year or two. That is really strange to me at the same time. Who knows what the future will hold. For now, if I got pregnant it would be a mistake. I'm on birth control and plan on staying on birth control for the next year at least.

Like I have said time and time before, it is really up to Daddy at this point. I would get knocked up tomorrow if he thought we could support them and he thought it was a good idea.

So, even though I am childless, I am already a mother.

Thursday, January 28, 2010


So, my first article was published on! I am very excited about it. I have been waiting on pins and needles since I was told it was accepted. You can read it here. I'm definitely happy with it, and myself. And it bought the Valentine's Day toys I was talking about in yesterday's post!!!

I have another article that will be published soon too. It doesn't have to do with BDSM though. Although it's still a good article. I am planning on writing another this week or next and seeing if they like it. :) Fingers crossed they will.

HNT - Summer come back...

This shot was taken in the summer [hence why my hair is lighter and longer....]

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Remember When I talked about gifts?

Well I totally rocked with gift giving for Valentine's Day gift buying. I've written two articles for and when you write for them you get gift cards to [see side bar]. It is pretty much completely awesome. So when the amazing people at said that was giving 35% off to contributors I was stoked.

I had already bought something for my Daddy, but it was too good an opportunity to pass up. I usually buy things with the 30% off that reviewers get, but you can only do one product at a time with that. So I bought three things. Two of which are for my Daddy as Valentine's Day presents.

I was saving my 50 dollars worth of gift cards to get the the Lelo Gigi but I figure I can wait on that. The toys I got were on my wish list [all three] so it's not like I went and bought random things that I just started wanting today. All in all, I am very excited for Valentine's Day to get here. Not to mention I am HORRIBLE at not giving people gifts as soon as I get them, so this will be extra tough because I am so excited about the gifts!!!!!

A bit personal

This post is a bit personal... So I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. You may skip this post to another that will suit your smiling needs for the day. No hard feelings, I promise.

I have been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on hulu. I have time during the day, so I like to pass it with things playing on hulu. I have gotten hooked and love the show. I was too young when it was on for real to watch it. So anyway... I watched the season two finale today, and cried.

Not at the part you may think. Not at the part where Buffy killed Angel when he FINALLY came back as his real soul-filled self. Oh, fiiiine, I cried then too... But I cried when Buffy's mother kicked her out then came into her bedroom to find that she was really gone.

Some of you may know my personal backstory, but for those of you who don't- my mother kicked me out. I can't begin to speculate as to what the reasons were. I can tell you it was the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my entire life.

I think she regrets it. She is trying to be better. In fact, she has been her 'bad' self in a while with me. It still hurts though. I don't think the pain will ever truly go away.

My mother and I were extremely close. It is true, I kept my relationship hidden from her for a while. The circumstances of how it came out --- were not good. So I am not painting myself like a saint here. I am not emerging smelling like a rose.

But to kick me out? I don't know how she could do that.

I wonder if like Buffy's mom she was surprised when she walked into the bedroom the first time - surprised that I actually listened. I wonder if she cried. No- I don't wonder that. I know she cried. I don't know why she couldn't use that emotion to bettering our relationship. I miss her. I really miss her. I wish I didn't. It would make it so much easier. After what she has done, I have every right to be angry with her for the rest of my life. But I can't. I love her. I love her and I miss her.

I hate that I miss her. I really do.

There is no going back. There is no magical time machine to go back and get back the mother who would have never imagined kicking me out.

You want to know something? Writing this is the first time I've really cried about that... For being the emotional being that I am you would figure that to be something I would have cried out a while ago...

Sorry for the really personal blog... I just needed to get it out.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Lucid Dreams Petite #60 - I want better dreams.

I received my Doc Johnson Lucid Dream Petite #60 in the mail and was beyond excited. I had been looking forward to the gspot toy for a while since so graciously allowed me to review it.

For a toy that is only 20 dollars, the packaging is quite cute. It looks to me that the packaging is marketing this toy towards the 18-25 women. It has some swirls and is 'dreamy'. It also boasts that the toy is waterproof and virtually silent. The packaging is just plastic though, so you will need to store it in something else. I always recommend plastic storage bags, but I've also heard of people saying they wrap their vibrators in silk scarves. I figure the plastic bags are a little less extravagant.

The material is jelly, so if you are sharing you need to use a condom. This toy CANNOT be sterilized, only cleaned. I also would say steer away from using this anal. It is not how it was intended and due to the lack of a flared base it can lead to an unpleasant trip to the ER.

Now, onto the good part- or not so good part...

I did not enjoy this toy. Which was really sad because I really wanted to. As soon as my Lucid Dream Petite #60 (now on - LD60) was out of its box the smell was awful. I've had other jelly toys before, most of which have a particular odor, but this seemed stronger. I washed it a bit and let it air out, which helped a bit, but not much. It also is not one of those toys that you want to put in your mouth due to the smell.

Like the box said, the toy is very silent. I was surprised and how quiet it was. I have no reason to hide my 'alone time', but if you are I would say this is something you might want to look into. The box also says it is waterproof. I dislike using toys in water, but I did test out how it performed under water, and it worked just fine. No water leaked into the battery compartment so that was a huge plus.

This toy is made for those who may not want all that girth. The LD60 has a diameter of 1 3/8". The insertable length is 6". It is a cute little thing.

Now to the most disappointing part, the vibrations. I could barely feel the vibrations. The bullet inside the toy just doesn't put that silly smiley grin on my face. This takes 2 AAA batteries [not included] and some may attribute the low vibrations to that, but I've gotten better vibrations off of watch batteries. I'm sure you could use this as a clit stimulator but unless you have an extremely sensitive clit, I wouldn't even recommend that.

I was really sad that this didn't work better for me. I really wanted to adore this toy. Overall, I probably never recommend this toy. There are many better products out there for the same price. However is awesome for being so great and letting me review this g-spot vibrator for them.

A meme.

I've seen this floating around the bdsm bloggers and liked this. I also have seen that I am getting a lot of new visitors so I figured that this might acquaint you with me.

1. Your role?

2. Current relationship?

I am a slave to my loving Daddy. [non-ageplay]

3. Your favourite type of play?

Favorite? Oh geez, that's hard. Hmmm. Rough body play/wrestling. I love being punched. I love being thrown around. I'm no small girl so literally being tossed around like a rag turns me on. I like that my Daddy likes to wrestle. It usually is entertaining and one of my favorite types of play.

4. Your most hated type of play?
The paddle! *winces from the thought* It is very ouchie.

5. The most annoying habit of your owner/slave/whatever you call your SO?
Not turning lights off. It's totally silly but it bugs me.

6. Your deepest fear?

I worry about a lot of things. I guess my biggest fear is my Daddy leaving me. Abandonment issues and all.

7. Your most memorable public experience (or what you would like to do in public)
My most public scene? I have had many public things. If you are talking purely BDSM, then there are two play parties that I've been to. One involving penetration and one that was the one out of two times I've hit subspace. I guess the subspace one was my favorite. That was very intense and the most pain I've ever taken from my Daddy.

10. Scariest thing you’ve seen or heard of in BDSM land?
Hmm, I don't know. People getting hurt in a non-consensual way. That's pretty damn scary. The rest of the stuff is all fine and dandy because people are consenting to it.

11. Number of hours you spend on Fet when you should be doing other things?
Not as much these days now that I am trying to build up my blog and other things. However I probably spend 3-4 hours a day with it up, not necessarily that I am reading it, but it is up.

12.Thing that was hotter in fantasy than it was in reality?
The foursome I was in. It led to my Daddy and I setting up more requirements on who we play with so future 'somes' will be better.

14. Ouchiest toy?
As I said before, the paddle.

15. Book or movie that every newbie has to read/see?

Actually, I wouldn't recommend a book or movie. I would recommend reading blogs [such as mine :P] of people in the lifestyle. You'll learn so much more from people writing about their own experiences than you could from a fictional movie or a book that may or may not target you. Blogs are great because you can find a nugget of gold in each one.

17.Thing you’re most proud of?
The person I am.

19. Do your family and friends know?
My mother and an uncle knows not from choice. Most of my friends know because I am not going to hide it from people who have a choice of walking in or out of my life. I am who I am. Being kinky is a core part of who I am. Luckily all of my friends have accepted it. :) I have awesome friends.

Skinny/Plus Size/In between

There are some great writings on body image at I wasn't really aware of edencafe at that time, so I didn't get a chance to partake in them. I figured, why not partake here then? So, here it is...

I am not skinny. I like to say I'm curvy, but really, I'm just fat. I'm okay with it though. I actually embrace it in a weird way. Weird way? Well, it has been a part of who I am for a long time.

I was skinny when I was young. I had the young slender body of a dancer [which I was at the tender age of 4 and up] and I was an energetic ball of fire. I was young though, and while there are obese children out there, it is a bit more hard to achieve being obese at a young age.

I became fat in third grade. Oh, I remember it well. The kids started making fun of me, and I started to be a bully. I figured, better to be mean to them before they could be mean to me. Not the best logic, but I was nine and didn't have the best logic.

I made what friends I could. I made friends easier with boys, and the one or two girlfriends I had truly liked me for me. As I grew up, I embraced the fact that my friends liked me for me. It wasn't because I wore the coolest clothes [because I couldn't, I couldn't fit into them]. It wasn't because I was a cool girl [because kids are really shallow and I was too big to be a cool girl].

High school came and I became more proportionate. I looked like a woman. I had hips and tits and an ass. I know it sounds really bad, but I developed a personality that got me the friends I had. I was smart and funny and kind. I'm not going to lie, there was a period where I judged the skinny girls.

Oh, how easy it must be to be skinny. Oh how perfect their lives must be. They can shop at all the cool stores. They have oh so perfect lives, because they're skinny, right???

Then I realized, that no matter what a girl's shape, there are hardships. There is a fat acceptance movement that is currently going on. I can get behind that, but what I could get behind even more is an all acceptance movement. There are girls with small tits, huge tits, big butts, no hips, pouchy stomachs, fatty arms, skinny legs, and everything else. I wish that looks weren't so emphasized in our society. Everyone is beautiful. I wish we could just see that easier.

RTT - Websites

So, I love porn. These are sites I would love a subscription to.

Sapphic Erotica

Public Disgrace

Fucking Machines

The Training of O

Sex and Submission

Suicide Girls

Beautiful Agony

Exposed Ex-GFs

I Shot Myself

Monday, January 25, 2010

What an exhausting day.

So today Daddy did some stuff from home in the morning for work. It was so nice seeing him when I woke up and it was extra special nice because I got to make him lunch. Even if lunch was just a soup cup. It still made me smile to do that for him. Anywoo... It totally threw off my day though. Even though it may not seem like I do too much, I really do.

Daddy didn't leave until after noon and I hadn't even started doing anything I planned for today. So I got right to it after eating lunch, and didn't get to rest until... well until now. I wasn't doing too much that was physically exhausting, but I was constantly doing things which made me feel so tired and worn down.

I snapped slightly when he got home because I was taking a shower since it was the first moment when I actually could take a shower. I snapped more because I was upset with myself for not being done. However he joined me so it immediately relaxed me. He gave me a long hug and it was exactly what I needed. I just needed him to make me feel right again. Something about us being together centers and calms me. I then got down on my knees so he could pee on me. It put me back in the right place I needed to be in. I had gotten so frazzled during the day. I am glad that we work together like that. I am so happy I've found someone who can understand that sometimes I just need to be peed on to be calm. :P

Sunday, January 24, 2010


Gifts are something I love buying, especially for ones I love. However, I am unemployed and therefore don't really have many means to buy gifts. Really the gifts I'm talking about are gifts for my Daddy. I can always ask Daddy for money, and he decides whether or not I get it. Usually I do because I rarely ask, and when I do ask it is for stuff that I really need or have been lusting after for a while [like my new butt plug!].

Back to the topic though, Christmas just passed and I was lucky enough to have some spare pennies to buy him some neat stuff. My favorite thing that I bought him was a picture frame that said "Daddy & me" and I put a picture of us in there. I also got some money from relatives for the holidays so my plan is to save that for Valentine's Day and our anniversary. I already bought him his Valentine's Day gift. It really isn't related to Valentine's Day, but I know it is something that he will like. Our anniversary is in May, which is far off, but I like to plan ahead so I am already trying to think up what to get him.

I like buying him presents. I really do. Being unemployed leaves me in a sticky spot where I can't though, and that makes me a bit sad.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Oh, I want to Mona.

So, as many of you know, I have started reviewing sex toys. It may surprise many of you to know that I don't have a g-spot toy. It is a sad sad sad world. I have no way to stimulate that delicious spot that gives me rocking orgasms. Right now the only way that I can get those deliciously amazing Os is to entice Daddy into taking me.

However that can all change thanks to the wonderful give-away at right now.

Mona, Lelo's awesome G-Spot vibrator is a highly lusted after sex toy. One that I may win. Oh how I hope to win!!! However, spreading the wealth, I'm telling you how YOU could win. It is very generous of me. :P Go here and leave a comment. That's it! Oh, but if you want more entries you can tweet. Oh! And you can blog about the contest [like I am doing at the moment]. Read the top part to learn all about it.

Although that's not all has to offer. They have great articles written there [two will soon be published by yours truly] and other contests at different times.

However, back to my love of Mona. The purple looks exquisite. The toy itself screams luxury. It is something I probably couldn't bring myself to purchase on my own. As much as I lust after all the Lelo toys, being an unemployed student doesn't do wonders to the bank account. [Which is under 30 dollars at the moment.]

So yeah, I am REALLY hoping that I win this. REALLY REALLY BADLY!!!!!

Doctor, Doctor!!

Back when Daddy and I were living long distance, he visited me. Those visits were chronicled here, but one thing that happened afterward was not, so I want to talk about it now.

I was bruised. I had two or three bruises that were pretty obviously fingers and a handful of others. That was back in the day when I bruised easy. Since moving in, I rarely get bruises. But I digress. I was thankfully able to hide the bruises fairly well thanks to placement.

However, two or three days after my Daddy went home, just as my bruises were at their gnarliest, I had to go to the gyno. I really didn't think anything of it. However when the doctor saw my bruises she immediately got concerned. She started asking questions about my relationship and I quickly reassured her not to worry. She started to hand me some pamphlets when I told her the marks came from consensual play. She said 'oh', blushed, and went about her business.

It is something that everyone who engages in rougher play has to at least think about when going to see their doctor. There is a brilliant website that lists Kink Aware Professionals. Hopefully you can find one in your area there that can work for you. However if you can't, I would say not to worry about telling your doctor. My gyno was not on the Kink Aware site, yet she was perfect in handling it. I think it is a great resource and wish there was more people listed. But doctors have heard it all before. Even if they haven't, they worst you will get is an uncomfortable conversation.

I advocate telling, but if you don't feel like it is something you'd be comfortable with, just make sure they are aware when necessary. If you got an injury while doing something kinky, don't lie and say something similar to what happened. Say what actually happened. If you are having blood pressure issues, ask your doctor about bondage positions. It may seem awkward, but it is your health. You need to make sure that the people who are there to take care of you, can.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

being a slave.

I am loving my tumblr. I have been randomly adding pictures to it throughout the day. It is really fun and something I am definitely enjoying. Oh, and I am loving the font of the header there. I have a few places where I have branched out to lately. I like to think that I am particularly well spoken about my life, which revolves around being a full time slave.

Being a full time slave isn't as glamorous as the fantasies. I am not beautifully coiffed and chained to a fluffy bed [with satin sheets] only to be used when Daddy calls upon me.

I think it may be obvious when you really think about it, because things need to be taken care of.

I don't have a job right now. This is a good/bad thing. It is bad because I we don't have the added income [although thankfully we get by just fine on Daddy's paycheck] and I don't get to fill my days with a job. As much as jobs can be a hassle, they at least fill the days with something. It is good because I get to spend time with our dogs and take care of the house. I am also able to peruse online and keep up with everything that I do online. I know if I had a job that some of my online activities would suffer a bit.

Not having a job makes my life as a slave a bit different than slaves with jobs. I am able to wear my collar all the time [minus shower time since it leather]. I know many slaves with jobs cannot wear their collars because of their jobs. I know others who are able because they wear collars that are not inherently kinky. Such as this one.

The life of a slave is not glam though. Although I do get to sleep in!

I wake up and take the dogs out. I might go for a walk but mostly this is just a 'relieve yourselves and get back in the house so I can check my email'. Then I do just that usually, I check my email and do all other things internet-y. This is not glamorous. It is fun though.

I'll call Daddy and see what I am eating for lunch. This is something that we tried out the first week I was here and it stuck. It was actually one of the few things that stuck. We don't have many protocols. Which is fine for us because we just fall into this with each other. We fit.


Then I do what I need to around the house after lunch. Usually this always means dishes. Oh, and taking the dogs out again.

I then usually take a shower and get pretty for Daddy. Here's the thing though, I don't always get pretty. Take today, I was wearing short shorts and an extremely old mickey mouse tank top. Oh, and my hair was just eh. This is something I am trying to improve on though. I would love to be well put together every time he comes home since I am home all day.

We always eat dinner together. This is my favorite part of the day. I like that we take a break from the events of the evening and spend thirty minutes together no matter what. The events differ from night to night, but we try to be around each other as much as possible.

We are... quite normal. Scary right??? The neighbor who hosts your weekly poker night might be kinky!!!! I am not any different from the uber-vanilla down the block, except that I take orders and like to be choked. Okay, so maybe I'm a little different... ;)


My first HNT!!!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I've got a tumblr!

I am trying to expand into all corners of the internet.

I have started reviewing sex toys. On and soon here thanks to You can also get to their sites on my side bar.

I am on fetlife and participate in the community there.

I'm on a forum exclusively for bisexual women.

I will soon have a writing on [Will provide link when it happens] I am working on two more things to submit as well. Hopefully I will have a handful of things there soon.

I tweet. Follow me, I'm interesting! [Jonsbabydoll] You can also see my most recent tweets in the side bar as well.

Well, I realized one branch that I hadn't 'conquered' was sharing my love of photography. So I made a tumblr. Most of the photos as of now are a bit erotic. However, I'm positive that won't be all I post. There might be a quote or two every once and a while too. I might make another quotes one if I feel it over powers it though. These are all thoughts.

I just want to make sure that I am accessible to everything that people could want. I want to involve you as much as I can in what I am. :) So, go check out my tumblr. The RSS feed can also be found in my sidebar. Peruse around and have a fun time!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Sex Education.

It frustrates me that teenagers are not given the proper information, if any information at all, about what they really want to know.

Okay, let's delve into my past a bit.

I was in high school not too long. [Less than 12 months ago I was a senior in high school actually] I was the pervy perv I am now. I always have been the pervy girl with way too much knowledge about sex.

I found all the naughty deprave things on the internet at the age of about 13. I read as much about sex and everything to do with sex as I could. The information came out in conversations I had with my friends.

Then when I lost my virginity and a steady boyfriend to experiment with, I became even more of the go-to gal. So much so that people who weren't friends but heard from friends that I would know the answer, would come to me and ask me their questions.

When sex ed came around, I was so horribly disappointed. It didn't talk about any of the things that we were really interested in. My teacher felt like she just wanted us to regurgitate the information because even she was uncomfortable talking about it. We spent the most time on STIs. Which is a good thing to teach, because there is still ignorance about STIs, however there needs to be talk about the gritty things too.

In my opinion there needs to be more sex positive sex ed. If we start to explain that sex isn't a dirty thing [well, it can be a good kind of dirty ;) ] and educate on how to keep clean, we can reduce STIs and pregnancy. Educate about birth control methods.

And the biggest thing! Answer questions that they have, but not in an open forum 'raise your hand and ask' type of way. Teenagers aren't going to ask 'how do I make sure butt sex doesn't hurt" in the middle of a class with 20-something of their peers. One of the best ways I have heard to combat this was having a blog like such that the teacher had and the students could leave anonymous comments with questions and the teacher would answer back. This way it was a discussion where no one had to reveal who they were. No embarrassment.

Another huge thing, although not regarding education, is the availability of sex toys. As soon as I turned 18 I had plenty of girls asking me to buy them vibrators. I was more than happy to oblige. I'm proud of the fact that I've bought over ten girls vibrators.

Eh, this is something I am passionate about. I've thought recently about changing my career path a bit to push it more towards something to do with the sex/adult industry. It's a thought...


You may have noticed there was two RTT [Random Things Tuesday] right in a row. It's because the first RTT wasn't on a Tuesday and when I decided it was going to be a weekly thing I needed to choose a weekday. Tuesday was that lucky weekday. So that's why there is two right in a row.

Onto other things. I made the banner for this blog yesterday. I love it. It's not perfect, but it is damned good considering it is my first time trying to do it.

I joined SecondLife yesterday. I hear that it is really fun and I am looking forward to figuring everything out with it. Fetlife has people there so once I get used to things I will look into that.

That's about it. Just wanted to do a quick post. I'm a bit hungry so I am going to go forage for some food. Much love.

RTT - artsy edition. [Random Things Tuesday]

I want a sketchbook. It doesn't need to be this one, I just want one. So this is more of a representation than anything else.

I want canvas to paint on. I love to paint and really miss doing it. I also have TONS of paint, so having canvas to paint would be perfect.

Sometimes a girl just likes to color. It's really that simple. I don't get the urge often, but when I do I would like to be able to indulge myself. The 24 count crayola boxes just don't do it for me, whereas this totally does. 150 for the win!!!

Prismacolor colored pencils give me orgasms. Seriously. They are the best colored pencils on the market. I would prefer the 132 count, but I can't seem to find it online. :( Sadness. So therefore I am linking you to the 72 count. These will probably stay on my 'want' list considering how darned expensive they are.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Random things.

Okay, so every month I will post random things that I want... here goes nothing...

These OTK socks look luxurious. Damn girl! I would love a pair of these. I used to have an amazing and awesome collection of socks. I would always be buying socks. However now I have a pitiful collection. It is really quite sad. :( However these would be such a cool way to start building up my collection again!

OH MY GOSH!!! I have wanted a tutu for a long time. The hard thing was bringing myself to actually go look for one. Especially because I knew as soon as I saw it, I would want it. Which is the truth. I'm glad/sad I'm broke. I'm glad because I am sure that if I wasn't my credit card would be whipped out and this would have been purchased upon first sight. This is the same reason I am sad though. What a cute thing to add to my wardrobe.

This is a tshirt I would love to have considering the 50s lifestyle I try to lead. Would totally make my day.

Okay, so I am totally not a hello kitty person. I mean I get it, cute to the max. It's just not me and I feel like it is just waaaaaaaaaay too popular in the age-playing realm. However, I could not resist adding this to my list. Un-fucking-resistable.

Silly website won't allow me to photo link their leggings. I don't have a pair and I really want some. So, that's on my list too. Even if you can't see the darned picture.

So, that's all for now. I might make this a weekly or monthly thing. Not sure yet... love to you all.


I have a headache. I am also sort of upset with myself because I did not do what I wanted to today. In fact, I slept until almost noon! Which always throws me off. Although I love sleeping, so I guess I don't mind too much. I walked the dogs, rode my bike, and messed around with my blog. That all took me around 90 ish minutes. Not too bad. I've been playing around and looking into blogs of the sexual nature lately and got completely wrapped up in one today. I seriously spent HOURS reading it. My problem is that I like to read every post from the beginning. If you have many posts [like this girl did] then it takes a long time.

So I have a headache.

I am wearing my Daddy's button up shirt though, and that makes me happy. It smells like him. Ahhhh. So nice. :) He will be getting home ANY minute. Woo. I want chinese for dinner, but I know he said something about having pizza tomorrow so I doubt I will be able to convince him. I would totally pay!!! Although that is sort of funny because all of my money is his money considering I don't have a job...

Tehehe. Anywho... Last night was some pretty hot sex. My cunt was so sore from some earlier fucking, so when he came to bed and made me open my legs I asked if he could use lube [the third time I've ever asked, I usually get wet enough on my own]. He said something about having to leave the room or something [I was half sleeping so I couldn't tell you for sure] and so he wasn't going to get it. He forced his cock inside of my definitely not wet enough pussy and I swear it was so hot! I know, it sounds weird, but him taking me when I ask him not to, or to take it easy and he goes all rambo on my twat, yummy. I came very hard. :)

My Kinky 100

So, I like it when blogs I read have those random “things you don’t know” posts. I am doing one since this is my 100th post, I will be doing 100!

  1. I’m a brunette
  2. Guys with girly feet are a turnoff
  3. Most of the guys who I’ve been with have been over 7 inches
  4. I’m 5′ 1″
  5. I’ve been shaving my pussy since the summer before 8th grade.
  6. I love taking nude/sexy pictures of myself [or other people taking them of me]
  7. I find that incorporating food into sex is more funny than sexy.
  8. I have always wanted to be fucked while brushing my teeth.
  9. Laundry is my least favorite house chore.
  10. I find myself going commando more often now that I am with Daddy. {easier access!}
  11. I have never played with wax but it intrigues me
  12. I love wearing Daddy’s clothes because not only are they super comfy, they make me feel like he is constantly giving me a hug.
  13. One of my favorite things is when Daddy pretends to “eat me” [not in the dirty way, but when we are laying down or something and he starts "nomnomnom"-ing my finger/hand/arm/anything]
  14. I would love to be a nudist but I am always too cold to be naked for long periods of time.
  15. I think one of my sexiest looks is when I am in a shirt and panties [especially if that shirt happens to be one of Daddy's shirts]
  16. I have masturbated to Robin from the Real World before.
  17. I actually like 69ing.
  18. I hate giving head in the shower.
  19. I like it when Daddy spits on my tits.
  20. Daddy tried spitting directly into my mouth recently and I love it!!!
  21. I think the perfect amount of time to be raped would be once a week.
  22. I’ve masturbated with barbie legs
  23. I used to draw nude women when I could still count my age on my hands. [aka I was still in single digits]
  24. I am really in love with rough body play.
  25. I want Daddy to pee in my ass.
  26. I love it when Daddy bites my neck.
  27. I like it when Daddy watches me pee. It is *so* humiliating. It turns me on to no degree.
  28. I like peeing outside. Same reason as above.
  29. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have sex in a vat of carbonated beverage.
  30. I love the feeling of rope against my skin.
  31. I rarely paint my nails, but I would love to have my nails done constantly.
  32. Priest/nun play is a hard limit for me. Even though I am not really religious, it just feels wrong to me.
  33. I have never squirted and some days I really wish I could, then others I thank goodness that I don’t. It is something that I think I will always waver between.
  34. I love the feeling of a collar around my neck. Sometimes I just touch it to remind myself it is there.
  35. I have a crying fetish. It is something that I don’t share with most people because it is something very intimate to me.
  36. Out of all the toys I have right now, my favorite to get hit with is the crop.
  37. I really want to try out a Sybian. *sooo badly*
  38. I am really into cleanliness. [not kinky, just true]
  39. I smile everytime I see a red bull because that is how thick Sky is. Mmmm.
  40. I can still visualize one of the hottest blowjobs I have ever given. It almost always gets me off if I am taking too long masturbating.
  41. The only time I haven’t played with the guy-I-was-with’s balls was when he had a “door knocker” piercing on his scrotum.
  42. Even though I love rough sex, I do enjoy the slow lovemaking every now and again.
  43. I have a strong dislike for being on top due to previous jerkholes. However I am slowly getting over that with Daddy.
  44. I have had over 1000 naughty pictures up around the internet. ;)
  45. The ringtone for one of my old fuck buddies is Dick in a Box
  46. I pretty much would do anything to do naughty naughty things to Kelly Clarkson.
  47. I don’t like those shower heads that most women rave about. I’ve masturbated with them, and it is decent, but not fantastic. I have better toys to play with.
  48. I really want to go to an amusement park with my ben wa balls in and a butt plug.
  49. I’ve decided that my fantasy gangbang would be all the members of the fellowship of the ring.
  50. Breast implants turn me off.
  51. Fire play intrigues me. Heck, anything with fire intrigues me.
  52. I like lists, they comfort me.
  53. I want to be “raped” outside, whenever I fantasize about it, it is usually in a wooded area.
  54. My favorite bra is red.
  55. One of my favorite pair of panties cost me 75 cents.
  56. I once stole a pair [or three] of panties from Victoria’s Secret… I feel better because I always shop there… Eh, that’s just my guilty conscious trying to justify itself.
  57. Daddy made “us” in Sim form. I enjoy watching them have sex.
  58. Nipples on women fascinate me.
  59. I change out my background on my computer around once every two weeks. The backgrounds are naughty 9 out of 10 times.
  60. I would love to be tied up and have over twenty guys have their way with me, and I can’t do anything about it.
  61. I cannot make muffins/cupcakes for the life of me.
  62. Love is one thing that always makes me smile.
  63. I’ve never had full blown sex in the shower. It starts there, but never finishes there. I don’t really care either way.
  64. Uncut cocks sometimes frighten me, I don’t know how to deal with them!!! I know it’s bad, my one really close friend is uncut and we just have always been committed to others at bad times and I’ve never had a chance to blow him. I gave him a couple strokes before though!!! I’m such a whore with my friends…
  65. Lying is one thing that is a complete turnoff.
  66. I would give my left pinkie toe to be dominated by Derrick Pierce.
  67. I have a love/hate relationship with my hair being pulled. My scalp is really sensitive. But I love the way it puts me in my place.
  68. Now that Daddy and I are living together, I miss the connectivity we used to have on the internet. I feel like he doesn’t “stalk” my fetlife posts or comment on my pictures anymore. It is a good exchange I guess, him in real time.
  69. I love it when Daddy goes down on me. It is like a special treat.
  70. I am an emotional eater. I eat when I am sad and I eat when I am celebrating. Hence why I am curve-alicious.
  71. I have never gone streaking
  72. Needles sound interesting when people talk about them, but I don’t know if I would be interested in actually doing them. Although not a hard limit.
  73. I want to have sex in the snow
  74. Non-sexual ageplay intrigues me
  75. I found out recently that I like rimming Daddy.
  76. The paddle that Daddy has is one item that strikes fear in me whenever I know it’ll be used.
  77. I want to have sex under the stars.
  78. I lost my virginity at 14.
  79. I wish I walked better in high heels
  80. I think using holiday lights as a restraint would be so interesting.
  81. I love the feeling of Daddy’s cum leaking out of me after we have sex
  82. I want Brendan Fraser.
  83. I love socks.
  84. I am very much an ass person for girls. Since I’ve got great tits I figure if I wanted to play with tits I would play with myself, give me a great ass!
  85. If I have just woken up and had to put clothes on for taking the dogs out or doing something around the house, I am most likely wearing Daddy’s zip-up from high school [which is as old as I am!]
  86. I want to partake in an all-girl orgy [more than 5 girls]
  87. I like wearing cute things for Daddy when he gets home from work but sometimes I forget :(
  88. I have always wondered what a guy would do if you started nibbling on his cock. Nibbling, not biting
  89. I love being bitten.
  90. I have never masturbated with food of any sort
  91. I want to climax on a roller coaster
  92. I hate masturbating with my fingers and can RARELY get off like that
  93. I want to have sex in the ocean with people around.
  94. I made up a sexual jeopardy game.
  95. I want to try being kicked/beaten up.
  96. I want to experiment with more types of breath play.
  97. I’ve only gotten off to six cyber sex sessions in my life, even though I’ve done more than 100.
  98. The reason I love fetlife so much is the non-judgment that so many people exhibit.
  99. I wish I had a cool name for my pussy
  100. And one that you all know, I love my Daddy.

Sex and Love pt 2


I don’t think I’m that hard to read.


If you come in all showered and everything, smelling nice, I am thinking you are at least interested in sex. I mean, COM”MON! AND then when YOU start touching ME, and I’m moaning and shit, fuck the least you can do is fucking continue. I’m sorry that I said your nail was hurting me. My clit is fucking sensitive I wasn’t telling you to stop, I was asking if you could refrain from scratching my fucking clit off, I happen to like it.

Then when you stop and I start to be sad, gee whiz, I wonder why I’m fucking sad???? I wasn’t sad when you got into the fucking room because I thought I was finally getting fucking laid.

Then when you start to kiss the back of my neck and down my back, fucking continue doing something. Fucking teasing me when my sex average is so low in the past week , not cool. Don’t stop. I don’t think it was that hard of a message either considering I was moving my hips and moaning. I really don’t think this is rocket science here. I just want some fucking sex.

I don’t get why you don’t want it. I really don’t. Especially when I am putting so much out there. It’s not a guessing game here. It is simple.

I don’t want to tell you why I am sad because then you would have sex with me. I know, now I sound weird. I want sex yet I won’t do the thing that will get me it. BUT the thing is I want you to initiate it. I want to feel like you find me attractive and want me. That’s not happening if I am the one initiating sex. I’ve tried that before and it makes me feel disgusting and even more unappealing. I won’t put myself through that again. I refuse to. I am better than that.

I know that I could push you aside and start going down on you, but how low do I have to stoop? You won’t even use my mouth? Do you know how low I feel? Do you understand how much I hate feeling unloved and unattractive and unappealing? You are making me feel that way. And while I am a masochist, I am not an emotional masochist. I sure as shit don’t deserve to be feeling the way you are making me feel.

That’s it I guess…

So.... Last Night...

So… last night I blogged… I was in a very vulnerable place. I still am really. But I took some time to myself and walked my dogs and thought about everything.

It was not right of me to be placing so much emphasis on sex. I wasn’t looking at the fact that he took time out of his game playing to cuddle with me and watch a show I like. I wasn’t looking at the fact that he let me eat the last bite of his cake. I wasn’t thinking about how he kisses me at every chance he gets. I wasn’t thinking about him tickling me. Plainly, I wasn’t thinking.

Now of course I feel really foolish. Part of me wants to delete the post since was not written when I was in a good frame of mind. However I don’t think that is good either. Because this is about my journey as a slave. Those times when I am feeling vulnerable and insecure… those are a part of my journey. I think it is important that I posted this too though, because I really did take time and reflect about why I was feeling that way.

I’m not going to lie and say that I am back at 100%, I’m still a little breakable today. I still am a bit down. I don’t want to be, but it is something that will be fixed with a bit of time.

Last night it all came to a head when it was after 2 am and I was crying in the bathroom. Not so attractive. I realized that if I continued on the path that I was on, feeling like I was feeling, that eventually, Daddy would get tired of it and me. That is the exact opposite of what I want.

I want the future with us. I want us, old and losing teeth, rocking in rocking chairs on our front porch, together. Because there will be a point where sex goes away. Where we will just be us. I want that. I want that with him. So if I have to go through a couple of sex free weeks to get there, I am okay with that.

Sex and Love.

Thankfully I can differentiate between sex and love. I always have been able to. It may have some times led to some not great situations, I am glad that I am able to have sex, and not develop feelings for that person. I don’t think this is a skill that everyone needs to have, I think that if you are a monogamous person who only has sex in the confines of a loving relationship, sex and love can totally be fused.

At this point, Daddy and I are not having sex with others, but that is not because we don’t want to. We want to, it just isn’t happening because Augusta is so damn conservative about their kink. This is a great motivator to get back up to Chicago. Not to mention I have talked to M about playing together and W said it was good, so I am REALLY looking forward to that. Like, seriously.


Daddy and I have a pretty active sex life. We have sex at least once a day usually. This keeps me satisfied to a point. I still need to masturbate during the days so my horniness doesn’t spill over. But orgasms from masturbation are much different than orgasms from sex. I need both.

Well… The past couple of days I’ve been feeling like we haven’t been having sex as much. He prefers not to have sex the two heaviest days of my period, so since he makes the rules, two days last week I was out of commission. Which was actually fine because I was sort of sick so I slept a lot. The weekend before that though I was extremely sick and was awake probably three hours total, so not sex then either.

We had sex two days ago. It was good. Then yesterday I tried to initiate anal sex. I want to write a post about my struggles with anal later though, it is only important here to note that the sex wasn’t a completed act.

Which means we have had sex once in over a week. It hurts me. It genuinely hurts. I don’t know why, because I know that he loves me. But I feel like when we don’t have sex that I have become unattractive in his eyes or something. I question why I cannot even apparently entice him enough for a blowjob. It makes me cry when he isn’t around because as much as I can separate love and sex, when he isn’t giving me sex, I feel unloved.

And like I said, I know that it is in my head. I know that he still loves me. I know that this is all crazy thoughts that I don’t need to think. However, that doesn’t mean that they go away. Even when I try to rationalize them away, they are still sitting there in the back of my head.

Also, I know that work and everyday stress can lead to decrease in sexual activity. I know this. I know that it is probably a contributor to the reasons we are not fucking. However, knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.

*sighs* I’m going to go masturbate…

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


So, during the wonderful time in every woman's month where they get hormonal...

I get overly mushy. I want to be loved and held and told I'm pretty. All those kinds of things.

However, I want my sex NASTY. I want to be beaten up. I want to look like a battered housewife. I want to be abused and used. I want to be raped. I want all of this and more.

This got me to thinking about my sex life. On a scale from 1-10, it is a 7.5. You might be shocked at this number. I mean, my Daddy pleases me in every way. I have orgasms all the time. I enjoy pleasing him and he allows me to please him daily. How fantastic is that??? You would figure my number would be at least in the 8 range! Well here is the break down...

We are not in Chicago. Chicago has a WONDERFUL kink community. Not to mention Chicago has dungeons that I can go to. Once again, fabulous. Chicago has munches. HUGE PLUS!!! So, overall, Chicago alone [with even our exact current sex life] would be an 8. So there is .5 points.

Another thing about Chicago is my Daddy and I would be playing with other people. While we are monogamous in love, we enjoy playing with others [together]. AND, I would be able to find girls. So that would bring my number up to 9. That's a full point!

So, you are probably wondering what we could do where we are now to bump up that number? Well, I like the B, S&M parts of BDSM. My number would definitely be bumped if I had some more 'scenes' [for lack of a better word]. Sometimes I get this almost neglected-esque feeling when I realize how long our last 'scene' was. However, I know my Daddy is a busy man. He works and doing scenes sometimes isn't possible. That's what would make my sex life perfect though.

Don't take this the wrong way though, I am very satisfied with my sex life. I just wanted to blog...

I just think that M/s sometimes people think that the sex life is magically everything that both people want. The thing is, I know my Daddy's sex life isn't a 10/10 either. I know he feels the same about including others in our play. That's not saying the me+him sex isn't fantastic, it's just that the OVERALL sex life has a TINY sliver missing. If that makes sense.

Just sayin'...

Keep in Mind

Please keep in mind that everything I write is my opinion and what works for me. Please don't ever feel like I am trying to force my ways on you, or that I feel your way is wrong. Things are different in every M/s, D/s, T/b relationship. What works for me may not work for you or the next person. It is all I know and therefore all I can write about. Please feel free to comment and let me know how your relationship or opinion differs though. :) Much love!


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