Upset with myself.

Daddy tried to do something tonight. He brought out rope, had me gagged, had a whole bunch of toys out. I finally felt like I was getting something special. We haven't done anything like that in such a long time that I have ignored my want for it. I essentially stop myself from desiring it.

Well stupid me decided to write about a past shitty relationship today. Smart right? So when Daddy goes and hits me with the shoehorn, I can't take it. He hits me about five times before I am literally trying to rip the rope from the chair I am tied to. I was scared out of my fucking mind. I couldn't take it. He was trying to calm me down but I felt frightened and ashamed all at the same time. I was moving so hard that I could have tipped the chair over easily. He got me to calm down enough to remove the rope, and I cried. I cried for a solid five minutes at least.

He comforted me. I was ashamed of myself. I hated myself for wanting something so badly and when it was finally given to me, on his terms and not from me asking, I couldn't take it. I feel worthless. I feel like I am a worthless slave.

I feel like I am disappointing him. I told him this and he said it wasn't true. He said he loves me and I am a good slave.

Sometimes though... I feel alone. I wish I was in Chicago around friends. I wish I had only a ten minute drive to my best friend's house. I don't though. I'm thousands of miles away.

I don't know what I want from him. I want him just to know what to do. I know that sounds bad, because he is not a mind reader. Just this once I wish he was. I wish he knew what to do to make me feel better. Because I don't.