A bit personal

This post is a bit personal... So I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. You may skip this post to another that will suit your smiling needs for the day. No hard feelings, I promise.

I have been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on hulu. I have time during the day, so I like to pass it with things playing on hulu. I have gotten hooked and love the show. I was too young when it was on for real to watch it. So anyway... I watched the season two finale today, and cried.

Not at the part you may think. Not at the part where Buffy killed Angel when he FINALLY came back as his real soul-filled self. Oh, fiiiine, I cried then too... But I cried when Buffy's mother kicked her out then came into her bedroom to find that she was really gone.

Some of you may know my personal backstory, but for those of you who don't- my mother kicked me out. I can't begin to speculate as to what the reasons were. I can tell you it was the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my entire life.

I think she regrets it. She is trying to be better. In fact, she has been her 'bad' self in a while with me. It still hurts though. I don't think the pain will ever truly go away.

My mother and I were extremely close. It is true, I kept my relationship hidden from her for a while. The circumstances of how it came out --- were not good. So I am not painting myself like a saint here. I am not emerging smelling like a rose.

But to kick me out? I don't know how she could do that.

I wonder if like Buffy's mom she was surprised when she walked into the bedroom the first time - surprised that I actually listened. I wonder if she cried. No- I don't wonder that. I know she cried. I don't know why she couldn't use that emotion to bettering our relationship. I miss her. I really miss her. I wish I didn't. It would make it so much easier. After what she has done, I have every right to be angry with her for the rest of my life. But I can't. I love her. I love her and I miss her.

I hate that I miss her. I really do.

There is no going back. There is no magical time machine to go back and get back the mother who would have never imagined kicking me out.

You want to know something? Writing this is the first time I've really cried about that... For being the emotional being that I am you would figure that to be something I would have cried out a while ago...

Sorry for the really personal blog... I just needed to get it out.