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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Cootchie Cootchie Coo.

Alright, so I haven't blogged in forever. Damn twitter. :P Well... some things have been happening in my life that I need to write about, even if it is just to work things out in my own head.

[Warning: There may be TMI in this post!!!]

Last week I thought I was pregnant. I was feeling strange. Usually I break out slightly before my period, and no break out. Actually, I just felt under the weather. I threw up a couple times, peeing all the time, I was getting headaches, I was having problems staying "regular", and my breasts were really tender. At first I thought I might have come down with the flu. However, when looking up my symptoms... Pregnancy was at the top of the list.

I was scared. What if my birth control failed and I was pregnant???

I thought about it and decided not to tell my Daddy unless I actually was pregnant. However, my period wasn't supposed to start until this week, so I decided not to take a test until my period should have started. If I got my period then I wouldn't have to worry about a test! Anyway, it was weighing on my mind.

Oh, and mood swings are a symptom too, and I'm sure my Daddy could tell you that I definitely did have those.

So anyway... Daddy and I went into his office on Saturday. I felt myself starting to get queasy in the middle of his office. I excused myself and went into the bathroom for a bit. I didn't want him to know I was getting sick...

One of the nice things about living with Daddy is that he allows me to drink alcohol inside the house. Without thinking I asked him to get something for me to drink. He agreed and went to the liquor store Saturday night. While he was gone I realized I couldn't drink if I was pregnant. I know that it probably wouldn't matter since it was so early on, but I couldn't consciously do that... He came back and I didn't know how to tell him that I just made him go get me some alcohol and then I wasn't going to drink it. All I said was how I didn't feel like drinking it and that I would save it for later that week.

His response? It's okay, I've already figured it out.

My heart stopped. What??? You figured what out?

We talked for a while, apparently he put two and two together with some of my funniness. We both want kids, but this was not a part of our plan. Not right now. However after talking about it we realized that we would accept whatever outcome came.

Since he knew I could start looking around at information online. I think this was my biggest mistake. I want kids. I have always known this. So when reading some of this stuff, it made me want to be pregnant. In my head I knew that NOW wasn't really the best time, but that is because of reasons not having to do with my desire to be a mother. I don't know... It's weird.

One of my biggest fears in life is that for some weird reason I won't be able to have children.

Anyway, I was finding all this stuff out and falling more and more in love with the idea of being a mom. Which is crazy, because I am 19, without a job and not going to school at the moment. However, we would make it work. I knew that. I figured that this could be the best mistake ever. [Weird I know...]

I realized how slim the chance was that I was pregnant though. I knew that I would be okay with not being pregnant too. Because that is the thing, both sides have pros. Both sides have cons.

It's weird, because while on a level I wanted to be pregnant, on another level I definitely did NOT want to be pregnant. I mean, they are expensive and it would be such bad timing.

So I was constantly teetering on this edge.

We decided that we would take a pregnancy test Monday. We woke up early [much to Daddy's chagrin due to late night football] and went to the store. We bought the test and headed over to a McDonald's across the street. Classy, I know... But Daddy had to get to work and it is better to take it with first urination of the day, so that's how it had to go.

I went into the stall, trying to crack jokes to myself but I was nervous. For good reason... I pulled down my pants, reread the directions to make sure I was doing it right... and peed.

Waiting is the hardest part. Thoughts ran through my head, I want to be, I don't want to be, I really don't want to be, it wouldn't be a bad thing... etc. Finally I look over...

Not pregnant. I had to sit for a couple of minutes. I expected to cry a bit, but I didn't. I was sad though. I was quiet during my egg mcmuffin. I went home and slept. Pretty much the whole day. I wanted to drink that night, but knew that wouldn't be smart.

After Monday I came to grips with it. I needed a day to process then I was fine. I then knew I should be expecting my period...

Except... it hasn't come yet.

Now I am back to thinking it might have been a false negative. I'm not getting my hopes up. Right now I feel more levelheaded. I realize that I probably am not pregnant. If I am, I am, but I am not thinking of that. So yeah, I hope that this didn't bore you or give you TMI. I'll update you guys on it later...

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Please keep in mind that everything I write is my opinion and what works for me. Please don't ever feel like I am trying to force my ways on you, or that I feel your way is wrong. Things are different in every M/s, D/s, T/b relationship. What works for me may not work for you or the next person. It is all I know and therefore all I can write about. Please feel free to comment and let me know how your relationship or opinion differs though. :) Much love!

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