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Monday, October 26, 2009

Last Night

Daddy has been a bit stressed lately. I understand this, and want to do everything I can to help him. I sometimes feel like I am floundering in this regard though. I don't know if what I am doing is helping, hurting, or just indifferent. Daddy pointed out to me last night that I was acting a bit bratty and pouting. Little things had been getting under my skin all day. Some may say that it started off on a bad note since I woke up with a hangover, but truly I don't think that was it. I do think that I was predisposed to be cranky though.

I feel like I don't want to bother Daddy with things. I feel like when I do, I am just that, a bother. We have had some bugs recently due to a myriad of factors and I am *deathly* afraid of them. Last night I saw one and he came to kill it. I felt like I was just being a bother. I felt like he wanted me just to kill it myself. I can't. I literally cannot bring myself to. They scare me WAAAAAY too freaking much. I then sat down on the couch and my eyes were peeled into the kitchen looking for any movement what-so-ever. I once again felt like he was exasperated with me.

My Daddy took my actions as upset that we are living in the state we are living. To be honest, I don't really care where we are living. It surprised me to hear him say that he thought that was the issue with me. It makes me think that it is an issue for him. I know that the situation that we are in is not one that we planned on. I thank goodness everyday for him. The way that my Daddy took me in, is something that I will always be grateful for.

It does worry me though. Because we had not planned on this, and it can be stressful, I worry that my Daddy will grow to resent me for it. I pray that this will not happen, but it is always a worry in my head.

I worry that I am not doing things properly. I worry that I am not everything that he wants me to be. I want to be everything for him. He is the best man in the whole world and I worry that I am getting on his nerves. It frightens me that one day he will wake up and just be too annoyed to deal with me.

I don't want to annoy him and I feel like I have been recently. I cannot place my finger on it, but there are instances where I just get that vibe. It is not all the time. There are plenty of times where that is the furthest thing from my mind.

I worry that I am a little off too. I don't want to articulate some desires because I don't want to stress him out any more than he already is. I don't want to seem needy or anything.

My Daddy did ask last night what was up, I told him that I was missing the pain. I was craving a beating. He said two things. 1- When he is stressed he worries about going "too far". and 2- he thought I wasn't looking for that because whenever he tried I would move funnily.

I understand number 1. I knew that it was probably a reason and that is why I didn't bring it up. I don't want him to be more stressed because I want to be a painslut and he doesn't want to go too far.

Number 2 I see where he is coming from, but I hate that he thought this. I hate that something I did veered him in the wrong direction. I think my level of resistance goes up the more I want it. The resistance and final takedown is hot to me. I'm glad that he was reading me, and took the direction of not possibly hurting me in a bad way. I told him that the resistance was just so he would take it anyway though. I want the "I don't want it but it doesn't matter what I want because he wants it".

We had some struggle/resistance/spanking/biting last night after that. I'm glad he was listening, but I can't help but crave more. Last night afterwards, he was on top of me [one of my favorite things in the world... Just being there, both of us in post-sex bliss, skin touching, so close] and he said "Brat" and without thinking I said "better". As soon as I said it I tried to brush it off. I said that I was glad that he listened to me, because I felt like he wasn't before. Which was an element of what I said, but not what I meant completely. I think he knew that, but I guess if he didn't, he will when he reads this. I said better, which, while encompassing the "I'm so happy you listened to what I was feeling", was also about, I need more pain. It is better, but not what I need. It scares me that I cannot articulate this. I think more than anything because I don't want to. I want to do whatever he wants, and if that means no pain for a while, then that means no pain for a while. I want to be okay with that. I want to be like, well, no pain is fine by me. [Also, when i say no pain, it really doesn't mean NO pain. My Daddy and I almost always incorporate slapping/choking into sex. We are rough sex fans] I want to be fine having whatever kind of sex that he wants to have. However, my need for pain is so great that it is obviously affecting my mood. That is what I don't like.

Well, I feel this is long and rambly... If you have any ideas or just want to comment, feel free!

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Please keep in mind that everything I write is my opinion and what works for me. Please don't ever feel like I am trying to force my ways on you, or that I feel your way is wrong. Things are different in every M/s, D/s, T/b relationship. What works for me may not work for you or the next person. It is all I know and therefore all I can write about. Please feel free to comment and let me know how your relationship or opinion differs though. :) Much love!

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