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Monday, July 6, 2009

My introduction to pain.

So this is my little synopsis on how exactly I found my way into all of this yummy depravity.

I was dating this extremely hot guy. I will admit, I was dating him because it gave me a rush. I did not love him. I really did not even like him. But he was a Bad Boy. He drank, he smoked, he had that Bad Boy air about him. All the girls out there know exactly what I am talking about. Well, I started dating him my freshman year of high school. He was jealous. He had a mean streak from here to Rome. However, that made me want him more.

One day, I did something to make him upset, and he hit me. It's not something that I am proud of, but I excused his behavior. Years later, I cannot remember what that first hit was even about. But it didn't stop. Oh sure, he apologized, but apparently they all do. He was smart [especially considering he was only a sophomore in high school], the marks were always able to be hidden by clothing. I can't explain what happened when he hit me, but something about the power he had over me, it turned me on. He brought the pain into the bedroom, spanking. Wow, it was great. I loved it. I loved it so much, I excused what I knew was inappropriate behavior in other aspects of our relationship. Eventually the relationship fell apart. I experienced a lot of things with him for the first time in my life. [role play, rape play, spankings, among others] I think that he had the same [but opposite] needs that I did. We didn't know how to verbalize them or act on them properly. I had this urge, desire, need, to submit and to feel pain mixed with pleasure. He had the same urge but opposite, but to dominate and dole out pain. I am thankful to him for letting me realize at a young age that it was in fact what I want.

To be honest, my wants were never judged by him. I would tell him that I wanted to be raped, and he would do it. I never felt wrong or gross or like a horrible person because I needed something sexually to get me off. We both understood on an unspoken level that what we were doing was consensual, and we knew that real rape was wrong. At that age, how do you express that to your partner though? It's pretty damn hard.

He has moved away and I don't talk to him anymore, but I suspect that once he explores a little bit more, he could develop into a wonderful Dom for some lucky girl.

So, that is what brought me to the realization that I crave pain. I love to be used. I want to be abused. I want to be told what to do, and do it. I am here to fulfill needs.

<3 Jonsbabydoll

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Keep in Mind

Please keep in mind that everything I write is my opinion and what works for me. Please don't ever feel like I am trying to force my ways on you, or that I feel your way is wrong. Things are different in every M/s, D/s, T/b relationship. What works for me may not work for you or the next person. It is all I know and therefore all I can write about. Please feel free to comment and let me know how your relationship or opinion differs though. :) Much love!

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