Last Night

Daddy has been a bit stressed lately. I understand this, and want to do everything I can to help him. I sometimes feel like I am floundering in this regard though. I don't know if what I am doing is helping, hurting, or just indifferent. Daddy pointed out to me last night that I was acting a bit bratty and pouting. Little things had been getting under my skin all day. Some may say that it started off on a bad note since I woke up with a hangover, but truly I don't think that was it. I do think that I was predisposed to be cranky though.

I feel like I don't want to bother Daddy with things. I feel like when I do, I am just that, a bother. We have had some bugs recently due to a myriad of factors and I am *deathly* afraid of them. Last night I saw one and he came to kill it. I felt like I was just being a bother. I felt like he wanted me just to kill it myself. I can't. I literally cannot bring myself to. They scare me WAAAAAY too freaking much. I then sat down on the couch and my eyes were peeled into the kitchen looking for any movement what-so-ever. I once again felt like he was exasperated with me.

My Daddy took my actions as upset that we are living in the state we are living. To be honest, I don't really care where we are living. It surprised me to hear him say that he thought that was the issue with me. It makes me think that it is an issue for him. I know that the situation that we are in is not one that we planned on. I thank goodness everyday for him. The way that my Daddy took me in, is something that I will always be grateful for.

It does worry me though. Because we had not planned on this, and it can be stressful, I worry that my Daddy will grow to resent me for it. I pray that this will not happen, but it is always a worry in my head.

I worry that I am not doing things properly. I worry that I am not everything that he wants me to be. I want to be everything for him. He is the best man in the whole world and I worry that I am getting on his nerves. It frightens me that one day he will wake up and just be too annoyed to deal with me.

I don't want to annoy him and I feel like I have been recently. I cannot place my finger on it, but there are instances where I just get that vibe. It is not all the time. There are plenty of times where that is the furthest thing from my mind.

I worry that I am a little off too. I don't want to articulate some desires because I don't want to stress him out any more than he already is. I don't want to seem needy or anything.

My Daddy did ask last night what was up, I told him that I was missing the pain. I was craving a beating. He said two things. 1- When he is stressed he worries about going "too far". and 2- he thought I wasn't looking for that because whenever he tried I would move funnily.

I understand number 1. I knew that it was probably a reason and that is why I didn't bring it up. I don't want him to be more stressed because I want to be a painslut and he doesn't want to go too far.

Number 2 I see where he is coming from, but I hate that he thought this. I hate that something I did veered him in the wrong direction. I think my level of resistance goes up the more I want it. The resistance and final takedown is hot to me. I'm glad that he was reading me, and took the direction of not possibly hurting me in a bad way. I told him that the resistance was just so he would take it anyway though. I want the "I don't want it but it doesn't matter what I want because he wants it".

We had some struggle/resistance/spanking/biting last night after that. I'm glad he was listening, but I can't help but crave more. Last night afterwards, he was on top of me [one of my favorite things in the world... Just being there, both of us in post-sex bliss, skin touching, so close] and he said "Brat" and without thinking I said "better". As soon as I said it I tried to brush it off. I said that I was glad that he listened to me, because I felt like he wasn't before. Which was an element of what I said, but not what I meant completely. I think he knew that, but I guess if he didn't, he will when he reads this. I said better, which, while encompassing the "I'm so happy you listened to what I was feeling", was also about, I need more pain. It is better, but not what I need. It scares me that I cannot articulate this. I think more than anything because I don't want to. I want to do whatever he wants, and if that means no pain for a while, then that means no pain for a while. I want to be okay with that. I want to be like, well, no pain is fine by me. [Also, when i say no pain, it really doesn't mean NO pain. My Daddy and I almost always incorporate slapping/choking into sex. We are rough sex fans] I want to be fine having whatever kind of sex that he wants to have. However, my need for pain is so great that it is obviously affecting my mood. That is what I don't like.

Well, I feel this is long and rambly... If you have any ideas or just want to comment, feel free!

Prompt- First time

What was your first sexual/play encounter with your current Owner like for you?

I know that I have outlined this before places, but talking about my first time with my Daddy is always something that I enjoy. We met online. We talked for months. I knew that I was attracted to him. I knew that my feelings for him, if he turned out to be everything that he said he was, had the potential to be great. Oh gosh, I remember that day *so* well. I was so nervous. Platinum dropped me off at the train station and I took the train downtown. His plane landed and he called me. I was sitting outside of a dunkin donuts [I got a french cruller] and waited. Sadly, the train from the airport to the hotel was broken down. He called, giving me updates and such. To be honest, I was a bit relieved because I was soooo damn nervous. He told me that at the exchange from train to bus he was just going to hail a cab. While I was excited that he would be there soon, I was nervous as hell because he was going to be there so soon.

I was intently watching the hotel entrance, which I could see from my outside seat at dunkin donuts. Everytime I saw a cab roll up my heart skipped a beat. Then... *the cab* rolled up. I knew it was the cab, because my Daddy is really tall. REALLY TALL. And a redhead. So he is really hard to miss. I stood up, and was on the phone with Mediterranean at the time [freaking out, "oh my god, there he is. oh my god..."] so I hung up quickly and tried to compose myself. He didn't just stand there and wait for me though, he was walking too. That's when I knew that I liked him. The fact that he was walking towards me too meant a lot. Which sounds weird, but whatever. We hugged when we met. I swear my heart was stopped at this point, either that or beating so fast that it felt like it stopped.

We went into the hotel and checked in. We held hands and I kept staring at him. Gosh he was handsome... still is of course. The elevators were super tiny and freaked me out, Daddy held me close. It was the most blissful feeling. Although I was still a ball of nerves. We weren't even in the room for ten minutes before we were all over each other. I remember seeing his cock and being a bit shocked. He is really thick. I straddled him and slid down on his thick cock. It was one of the most intense sexual experiences of my life. I was cumming by the time I slid all the way down. I cannot recall how many orgasms I had that first time, but it was a lot. He is a fantastic lover...

Thinking back on that weekend makes me feel all warm and gooey inside. I love him so much. That weekend was the start of it all. He is the man of my dreams. No, strike that, he is better than the man of my dreams. He is more than anything that I could have ever dreamed up. I am so in love with him.

Talking while he's sleeping.

So, I have this small habit of talking to my Daddy while he is sleeping. I found that I wasn't really doing it that often since I've moved in though. I pondered on this the other day and realized that we are living together now. It isn't like before where we had to fit everything we wanted in a week or weekend. I have him all the time. I know he is coming home to me. This is one of the most happy realizations that I have had. I did however talk to my Daddy in his sleep last night. I kissed his shoulder and spilled the beans on how much I love him. I went into all those sappy details. I love being next to him, feeling his skin against mine...

I am worried that I am not doing things around the house properly. Well, worried that I am not doing enough for Daddy and the house. Which on some level I know might be silly because I am doing things and the house is clean. I know that if he wanted something to be done he would tell me to do it. I've never done this before though. I feel like a need a little bit of validation more than I normally would. Don't get me wrong, he has remarked on how much I have done and tells me that I am doing well and good girl and all that stuff... maybe I am overthinking things.

My paid adventures

So, I talked in my last blog about the CL ad that my Daddy and I posted and the one guy who responded. The guy wanted to watch my Daddy and I have sex while we degraded him a bit and pay us for it. I was excited and nervous. More than anything else I was nervous because the guy wanted me to take on a role that is not me at all, a more Domme role.

I am not a switch. I have no interest in "topping" someone or controlling someone. It is not something that I get off on. I was nervous that even pretending wouldn't work for me. Daddy talked me through a lot of my main worries. Also, my Daddy would be there, so I could feed off of him.

Well, this guy kept talking to my Daddy about coming over during the day for me to "size him up" pretty much meaning he wanted some humiliation before the big show. I was really uncomfortable with this because I wouldn't have my Daddy there. Not only would my Daddy protect me, but he would also be there to play off of [like I mentioned above]. But the guy was offering the same amount for 15 minutes as he was for a hour. The opportunity was too good to pass up considering my unemployment status. So I told my Daddy to let the guy come over.

I was nervous. It felt like rats were running around in my stomach. It was *not* a good feeling. He came over and the beginning stuff was taken care of [the money and making sure he wasn't a cop]. He dropped his pants, I called him a little boy, laughed, and played the part pretty well. It took less than ten minutes for him to finish [you better not get anything on the furniture!]. He cleaned up his mess and was on his way. It was the easiest money that I have ever made. Not to mention the most fun.

I remember watching cathouse on HBO and wishing that I could do what they did. Weird but true. Now I'm not saying that this is anything more than it is, but I had fun with it. I am looking forward to the next time. I like money and I like sex. Best of both worlds...

My new favorite blog.

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TPE: Total Power Exchange and Safewords

So, I was looking at the keywords that lead people to my blog, and total power exchange [in variant forms] is the most searched thing. [the second being loving rape]. I love that my blog is getting foot traffic that way, as much as this is for my [and my Daddy's] pleasure, it would be amazing to be a well trafficked blog. I feel like people should be able to relate to me, and my writing is done well. So of course it would be absolutely amazing to become more popular in the blogosphere.

But that is off track... Total Power Exchange is something that is at the core of what my Daddy and I are as a couple. I wanted to talk a bit about safewords and TPE. Many people believe that the use of safewords is hypocritical to the TPE life. I wanted to give my thoughts on this. I have a safeword. I have even talked about safewords before in this blog. I don't believe it is hypocritical. Like I said there, I can count on one hand the number of times that I have safeworded. My Daddy and I have excellent communication and usually if something is wrong I can just tell him, "Daddy, my hand is all tingly". That works just fine. Those times that I have safeworded it is because I have reached what most call "subspace". At those times I can barely think, let alone speak full sentences. However, even in that state I can remember my safeword.

I do not, and would not, use my safeword outside of sex. Imagine! "Babydoll, the dishes need to get done now", and me, "KAYAK!". LMAO. Yeah, that would not work. One of the most beautiful things about TPE is the power exchange [duh, who would have thought]. The fact that I am obeying him is what I derive happiness from. I have given Daddy control over me. Body, actions, everything. Just because safewords are used in the bedroom does not negate TPE, and please don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Kneeling Num 7

Daddy, it is my desire, need, and hope that I...



am everything that you could ever want. I love you with all my heart. I know that the situation that we are in at this particular moment was neither of our wants, but it brought me closer to you. I want to stay this close. You mean the world to me. You are a huge part of me and I hope that I can do anything and everything for you. Our love is more than anything I have ever experienced before. You are this intoxicating man who I have fallen head over heals for. I never thought that I would be as lucky to find as wonderful a man as you are. You are everything I could have ever dreamed of and I hope that I am the same. When I am being held in your arms I know that I am home. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. It is my hope that you feel the same.



You make me smile every single day. It is my desire to fill every wish that I can. I want to be yours. Today. Tomorrow. The next day. And the next. Keep that on repeat and I would be the happiest girl. I want to make you happy. I want to do whatever I can to keep you happy and smiling. You bring light into my life. You fill me with this crazy amount of joy. There are things that we just click with. You are the man who I want to please in every way possible. I love you. You love me. We love each other. It is my desire, need, and hope to continue to be everything you want. I love you with all of my heart, body, soul.

My Collar

I have been wanting to write this post for a while... well... a week. :-P I arrived in my new state of residency on Saturday. Daddy and I went shopping for the home sweet home. One of the places to stop at was the pets store to pick up a new leash and food. Daddy has ordered a collar online for me, but it hadn't come yet. I understood, I wasn't pushing, Daddy giving me a collar is something that he has to do, not something I wanted to be pushy about. Did I want him to collar me? I wanted nothing more. My very being craved it. It has a lot of meaning for me. We discussed the meaning for both of us long before the collar was even on order. Both of us had the same meaning behind it.

So, I got a little off-track, all I really wanted to say was that I was not, and would never pressure him into giving me a collar, however that does not mean it was not wanted. While we were at the pet store we went down the leash/collar aisle. Daddy expressed that he wanted to get me a temporary collar that I would wear until the real one was shipped. I was ecstatic of course, but I tried to hide it [as best I could] because I didn't want him to feel obligated to collar me temporarily until the real one came. He made it clear that it was what he wanted to do. We picked out a simple black leather collar.

That evening I stood in front of him, my heart beating. He asked me if this is what I wanted, if I was sure. I could barely muster an answer, my heart was in my throat. My whole body was tingling. I was on fire. I don't think I've ever been more excited about something, it stunned me into silence. I did manage a yes though! His hands worked around my neck to put the collar on me. He kissed me and I started to tear up. He is the most perfect man. I am his. I was before the collar, it is an outward sign of that, yes... but it is so much more. I feel it around my neck and it feels right. I have him with me at all times. He is always there with me. I know because the leather around my neck reminds me of that.

I love my collar.

Kneeling Num 6

What is the mental aspect you struggle most with when submitting to me?

I was taught from a young age that I could be anything that I want to be. Unfortunately, the people who taught me this interpreted that to mean that I had to be a lawyer or doctor or business owner. My grandmother still to this day tries to talk me out of being a teacher at every turn. The people who taught me wanted me to be successful. It is a worthy and understandable thing to teach a child. A commendable thing even. However, when I told people I wanted to be a teacher, I was told that "I had so much more potential" and "I was smarter than that" and "I could do so much better things with my life". So, you may wonder where this is all going in respect to my biggest mental struggle.

When your support system is telling you that you can "do better" and that you ARE BETTER, you start to doubt what you are doing. It takes a lot of inner strength and contemplating to see if what you want truly is what you want. The same thing applies to my submission. I was always taught that relationships need to be equal. I was taught that women even should hold their men by the balls. I never liked that thought, however, it was something that was taught to me. So when I first submitted I realized that I needed the same confidence and assurance about my submission as I have about my future profession.

I thought that my contemplation would lead me to more mental "road blocks" about submitting. However, when thinking about it, I realized that this is always what I wanted. When I think about how I wanted MY relationship to work, I realized that my submission was key to it. So I think that my upbringing was my biggest mental struggle in my submission. I am very happy to say that I have come over that, but it was the biggest problem for the longest time. I found my peace though, happily. So what was my mental struggle is no longer there. Thankfully.

Kneeling Num 5

I can't believe it is day 5 already... Here is my kneeling thoughts for today...

What do you really want to do for us to enhance our D/s relationship? Its OK if you can’t afford it and/or it’s physically not possible to do for whatever reason. This is a time to fantasize. For example, do you want to go to a BDSM retreat or have a specific toy at home?

Okay, I really had fun thinking about this one. The first thing that popped into my mind was the bench that my Daddy and I used at the last play party we went to. The scene we had was so intense and so amazing that I fell in love with the bench. I also liked the fact that I was strapped down, so that is why I want that one and not just any bench. Oh, and I want the mirror in front of it too. It was nice to know that Daddy could see me while behind me. Yummy.



Going along with that night, I want a flogger. The thud-dy one we played with at that play party was heavenly. What nice sensations.



I want lots of rope. I love the feeling of rope on my skin. Whether it is something simple like the crotch rope under my clothes or actual bondage [mmmm] I would love to see more rope in anything we do.



On top of that, I would like to try some mental bondage. I have never done this, but read about it and I think I would really enjoy it. In case I am not using the right term, I am talking about "stay in this position" without anything keeping me there except my own will and desire to please him by staying there.



I would love to go to more parties, educational things, and play spaces. However, this ties into the "impossible" at least for the moment because of my age. It sucks majorly, but what are you going to do?



I would like to try more anal. Although I'm big on cleanliness, so that is always my biggest stopping point. Although the past couple of days I have been craving it... Daddy's cock will touch but then he will just put in my tight cunt. No complaints, I have had some amazing orgasms... I just really want it... I know he is respecting the fact that I like things to be clean and I know he likes it that way too. When I am in the middle of sex though that is not exactly what I am thinking though. I am thinking much dirtier naughtier thoughts about being a three hole slut... Maybe tonight... I know he is going to the drugstore perhaps I can ask him to pick up an enema.



I want ball gags. I like the drooling and the sounds when I am wearing one.



I want to be his sub in a threesome [or moresome] having him tell me how and when to please people of his choosing.



I am afraid I have probably missed some things that I thought about, so many different things came into my mind. It was a fun kneeling thought. I definitely enjoyed myself.

Kneeling Num 4

Remember the first time you felt submissive to me. How did this feel? Explain your emotions during this time.



This was another hard one for me to think about. I had to pinpoint an exact moment, something that definitely was not easy. My feelings for my Daddy definitely began to develop before us meeting. Which makes sense. I wouldn't have met someone in that type of situation who I didn't have some sort of feelings for. However, I did not feel like I was submissive to him before that point.



The point that I felt that way was the first weekend we were together. There was one point on Sunday where Daddy was sitting on the bed and I was sitting at the floor below him. He was asking me questions about what I liked and didn't like about our escapades. It wasn't even a conscious decision on my part to sit in that position, it just sort of happened. I looked up at him while we were talking and I realized that I liked what we were doing. I felt right sitting at his feet. Looking up at him... it calmed me. The questions made me realize that he cared enough about me to ask them. I knew at that moment that I could continue with him, being his, being submissive to him.



Looking back at that time, it was... magical. I know how nervous I was, and yet so calm at the same time. I can't believe how far we've come. Nothing makes me happier than being his. It all started before that weekend, but that weekend made it all real. That was the weekend that I fell in love with my Daddy. It was the weekend that I realized that he was the perfect man for me. And it was sitting at his feet that I realized I was submissive to him.

Kneeling Num 3

In what way can you improve your submissive nature?

This was a really tough one for me to think about. I think because my submissive nature, isn't something I think about, it sort of just is who I am. It isn't something I think about improving, because it is just me. Now that I said that, there are things I think I can improve on obviously, but that is just an explanation as to why this kneeling thought process was difficult for me.

I think the biggest things is doing what I'm told as many times as I'm told. The thing that stuck out for me in my second ten minutes was that I was given a task for this week, to melt twenty ice cubes in my pussy over seven days. I melted two the second day and one today [the third]. It hurts like hell. I've had ice on/in my pussy before and I know it is not something I really enjoy without other things in play. I knew it would hurt and made comments about it. Every time that I updated Daddy on the status of my ice number, I would say something along the lines of "it really hurt" or "very unpleasant" or "I really don't like it". My Daddy today changed the task to just one ice cube a day. This made me extremely happy. All of the things I said were true, but perhaps to improve my submissive nature I should wait until a task is completed fully to make comments. Because it wasn't complaining... at least, not what I consider complaining, it was merely comments. However, I can see how the comments could be construed as poor submissive behavior. I never made a positive comment about it. It was always negative, negative, negative. I can see how this would wear a person down.

I feel sort of bad because that is really the only thing that came into my mind. The whole twenty minutes. I thought of how from time to time I don't hear something my Daddy says and he has to repeat it, but that is not my nature, that is just my hearing. I said before, this was a really hard one for me. I wish that I could think of more, because I want to be the best submissive for him. I want to be the best everything for him. I love him so much and any way that I can improve, I want to. I want to be able to be everything he wants and more.

Kneeling Num 2

Name at least five things you enjoy doing in a submissive way, other than sexually.

I actually did read the "at least" today, but my list isn't much longer. There are so many things that I enjoy doing in a submissive way that I believe it would take me much longer than two ten minute kneeling periods to think of them.

1- Kneeling.

Genius, I know. To think of kneeling while I am kneeling. It is something that calms me though. I did it this morning as soon as I woke up pretty much and felt so content. It put me in my place right away. It is always a great thing to do when things are hectic because I do it for my Daddy. I don't kneel for anyone else. The meaning behind it for me is great.

2- Sitting at Daddy's feet.

Okay, this is something that I have loved since my Daddy and I met the first time. It is one of the things that I can still clearly remember about that weekend. Looking up at him, well.... I'll talk about that later this week.

3- Eating out.

Alright, this was a weird one for me when it popped up in my head. I love it when my Daddy tells me what I am going to eat when we are out someplace. I think it is because I am being taken care of, but I also don't have a choice and that turns me on, not sexually but just turns me on. He obviously takes my likes/dislikes into consideration. He makes sure that I don't get mushrooms/tomatoes/onions, but beyond that, I don't have a say. Now, this doesn't happen *every* time we go out, but I wouldn't mind if it did. I like it. :)

4- Sleeping naked.

This is one of my rules, so I figured because it is not sexual [although it could totally lead to sexual things, yummy!] I could add it. Also, if I was alone I would definitely wear panties and probably a shirt depending on the temperature. So it is the rule and my followance [yes, I totally just made that word up] of the rule that makes it make my list. I love the skin on skin contact, so when I am with my Daddy, it is definitely preferred by me so this is one of my favorite rules.

5- Cooking.

I wasn't sure if this one and the next one counted, but they are encompassed in my submission, so I am counting them. I love cooking and cooking for my Daddy, making sure he is taken care of is of supreme importance to me. Nourishment is a part of that "taking care of".

6- Cleaning.

Knowing that I am taking care of my Daddy, once again, makes me happy. Cleaning the house is a huge aspect of that. Right now it is a bit of a piece to chew, but once I get it to a daily manageable thing I am thinking that I won't be so exhausted just thinking of it. I am making my way through it, and although it is a bit more than I have done before by myself, I am still loving every moment. I am loving it because it ties into my submission to him.

I thought of a few more, but they were not as well developed. I love my Daddy. I am in love with my Daddy. I am HIS.

Kneeling Num 1

For the next seven days I will have been tasked with kneeling for ten minutes, twice a day. In the time that I am kneeling, my Daddy gave me things to think about and when I am finished with the twenty total minutes I am to blog about the end thought result. This is that first kneeling blog.

Name at least five things you mentally enjoy about submitting.

Darn. I did not read my kneeling prompt as well as I should have because I read it as "Name five things" not "at least five". So, while there are definitely more than five, these are the five that I thought up and went into detail on while I was kneeling.

1- Knowing that I can make someone else happy.

I do whatever my Daddy tells me. I am here to make him happy. This is my duty and it makes me happy to do so. There is no greater joy than knowing you are making someone else happy. I do what he tells me in every aspect. Knowing that I am here for him, and solely for him, to make him happy, is one thing that I mentally love about my submission.

2- Being able to relax about worrying about everything.

I am a huge planner. I love love love to plan. With respect to certain things it is an okay [and sometimes it is even a prized] trait. However, being able to not do this, is something that takes such a load off of me. Like I said in numero uno, Daddy tells me what to do and I do it. He is not a micro-manager, so I have certain freedoms within those things. Which pleases my planning side. I can do the bathroom, then the kitchen, then the bedroom. Or I can do the bathroom, then the bedroom, then the kitchen. As long as they all get done. I don't need to worry about what is not on my things to do. I don't need to worry about a lot of things that normally, without having the directive from him, I would be worrying about.

3- Knowing where I fit.

In most relationships that my friends have, they mostly complain about not knowing where they fit with their boyfriends/significant others. It is a constant power struggle. I have even fallen prey to this in previous relationships. There is a certain "Who do you think you are? You can't tell me what to do!". In my relationship now though, I know where I fit. I am His. I am his property. He can do with me as he pleases. Now there is not a struggle with the "Who do you think you are?" because he is my Daddy and I listen to him. I am his babydoll. This is definitely one of the five reasons I mentally love submitting.

4- Feeling safe.

Submission can be a scary thing. Think about it. You are giving yourself over to someone completely. They can do what they want and it doesn't matter what you want, you do it. It takes a lot of trust. However, once it happens, there is this almost constant blanket of comfort. At least for myself. I feel like I am always safe with him. He would never do anything to hurt me. [Unless it's fun pain :-P] It is more than just his overwhelming strength and the fact that someone would have to be insane to mess with him that makes me feel safe, it is a part of my submission. This is not exactly the same safe that I feel when I walk down the street with him, this is a mental safety. Which is why it is one of the things I love mentally about submitting.

5- Knowing that I am loved.

I don't think this needs too much explaining. I know that not all D/s relationships involve love. However, mine does. It had to make this list. Mentally, I do everything that I do, because I love him. He lights a passion within me. He inspires me to be the best submissive that I can be. He is the most amazing man I have ever met and the love that he gives me, is the thing I love most mentally about submitting.