I love My Daddy.

Missing him.

Loving him.

Craving him.

He is what I want, need, desire, love, crave.

What I Miss.

I am on vacation for the holidays, away from my Daddy. It is very frustrating and it hurts. Before, when we were long distance, I knew what to expect, I went day to day living my life without him. Sure, I missed him like crazy, but it was life. It is a completely different ball game now. I am so used to seeing my Daddy EVERY DAY!!! It is weird to be away from him, especially for this long. I've been cranky/upset with him because our way of dealing with this separation is completely opposite. After posting about it on fetlife, someone said to throw yourself into chores and such. This would be great if I was home and he was away, but I am the one away. So I thought to ask him for a writing assignment. This is the assignment he gave me.

-What I miss doing for/with Daddy-

• trying to sneak out of the bed in the middle of the night to relieve my ridiculously tiny bladder and not wake him up
• Handing him his cell phone when his alarm goes off in the morning, then cuddling crazy close to him for as much time as he 'snoozes' for
• calling him when I wake up and walk the dogs in the morning to say good morning
• calling him to ask him what I may eat for lunch
• Answering the phone and hearing him tell me that he is coming home. Then deciding if I will dress up/meet him outside with the dogs/kneel naked/masturbate before he gets home/etc
• Cleaning up around the house for him
  
• Watching him shower
• Joining him in the shower and getting peed on
• kissing him
  
• Hugging him
  
• Standing at the doorway to our screened porch while he smokes out there and talking to him
• talking to him about his day
• Helping him cook [since he totally kicks my butt in the kitchen]
• eating dinner together
• cuddling on our couch
• sneaking my hand down his pants while we snuggle
• listening to his witty comments whenever we watch a program
• Doing the dishes!!!! [lmao]
• finding something on hulu for us to sleep to [or a dvd]
• snuggling close while sleeping
• sex
• sex
• sex
• sex
• sex
• sex
• sex
• tasting his cock
• his body warming mine up

Writing this now makes me wish I was in his arms. His strong arms that protect me.

*sighs* It hurts, but it helps that I am doing something for him with this. So while it makes me miss him, it actually helps on a certain level too.

Fear

I read something simple today, something innocent, something that would have usually made me smile, but today it made me freeze. A fear ran through my body. I couldn't move. I wanted to cry. I felt like I was suffocating. I could barely think.

I talked myself through it. I couldn't call my Daddy, because I already look like a mess to him. Being away from him does weird things to me... I'm sure I look like a psycho or something in his eyes. I feel like I am way too clingy or that I am bothering him whenever I call. I know that isn't true, but it is how I feel.

He is the most fantastic man. I was a bit frustrated yesterday because whenever I said something that I deemed to be sweet and emotional [I miss when you touch me, when you kiss me, when you tickle me] he would respond with something ordinary [I miss you too]. It was definitely frustrating me. I felt like I was either bothering him or that he didn't miss me as much as I miss him. Last night when we were on the phone though he verbalized how much he missed me, I broke down and started crying. Shit! I'm doing it again... lol. I guess I can't help it.

I know he loves me. I know he misses me. I am so completely in love that sometimes I freeze up. I get so scared that something will go wrong. But I talk myself through those times. It will all be okay. We will love each other. He misses me too.

Outfits and Lingerie

I am in the process of writing a similar post to this about toys, here is outfits and lingerie that I want... Wishlist!!!

- sexy french maid teddy. I would totally love to wear this while doing housework. Mmmm.

- Domestic Goddess. I'm not really into the 'one size fits most' because fit is weird. However I *love* this.

- Sexy Satin Bra and Garter set. Once again, wary of this 'one size fits most' especially because I'm quite boob-alicious. But it's cute.

- Lace halter top with thong [raspberry] I think this is so sexy. It looks like it would be a dream.

- Daisy Lace Babydoll Set I think I would look good in this. It is appealing and sooo cute. Mmmm. I think the cut of the top is nice too. I can see that being one of my go to pieces of lingerie.

- Spanish Lace Peek-a-boo set. Too bad that this is out of stock right now. I love the lace and the cut [once again] of the top is perfect for me.

- Royal Satin Chemise with G-string. Oh... my... gosh... the color is stunning. As long as the color in real life is as vibrant as in the picture I think I would be verrrrrrry happy.

- VS unlined Demi Bra. I think this is sexy. I actually don't own any VS bras. Although 90% of my panties are VS.

- Reversible Corset. It looks so sleek and elegant. Here is another pop up of the pink! [at least on one side]

- Reversible Satin/Lace Overlay Corset. I love the look of the design on the model. It looks beautiful and once again reversible. I've never had a corset so I don't know if reversible is horrible or if it is actually okay.

-Satin Jacquard Corset with Lace Trim. I love the red/black look of this. Not reversible, and I think that is better...

-Sugar Cookie Cami and Thong. I am IN LOVE with ruffles lately. I don't know what draws me to ruffles, but they are hottttttttt.

-Satin Tapestry Flowered Jacquard Strapless Corset & G-string. This looks chic. It looks expensive in the picture. It makes me think of Pretty Woman for some reason [the gloves?].

-Asian Tapestry Strapless Corset Set. I love the luxurious look of the deep purple here. The design is so simple, yet it is gorgeous.

-Pleated Passion Bustier. The youthful colors here intrigue me. The pink/lavender really attract me to this. I think a lot of lingerie is so dark. It's nice to see some color.

Different take on anal play.

So, Daddy read my blog tonight, so I figure I can get away with writing this and not have him read it for another week or so. :-P Just kidding around. :-D

Anyway... I masturbate a lot. I believe I have gone into the rules about my masturbation. I get three sessions of ten minutes each. If I want more I may ask, but those three sessions are given to me everyday. Well, I usually read stories since I can start reading and go off with it in my head. Rarely [once a week/every other week] I'll watch a video. It is something I need to be in the mood for. If I am working on my second/third in a relatively short span of time I can go straight from my own twisted imagination.

That's not what this is about though... I have been reading a lot of male/male stories lately during my masturbation sessions. I've always known about the male prostate and how the orgasm is supposedly more intense when it is stimulated. However reading about it makes me more intrigued.

My Daddy doesn't like anal play besides being rimmed. Lately I have been thinking about sticking a finger in, I know, not something you exactly do on the fly. He has had it done before and said that it didn't really do anything for him. So its not like he hasn't tried it. Me doing it obviously all depends on if he tells me to or not considering what type of relationship we have, but it is something that has interested me the past few weeks.

Some feel that doing would make me more of the dominant person in that moment, but I don't think so. He would be using me for his own pleasure. Hell he could even tell me to wear a strap-on to fuck him and he would still be the dominant one. Not that I've thought of that...

Anyway, it is something that intrigues me. Not for myself, but because I have read about all the pleasure that it gives guys and I guess I want to do that for him...

Hmmm, whatever. He has had it done and it doesn't do anything for him. I guess I just wanted to write about it somewhere.

Slave.

Last night my Daddy and I talked about roles. It evolved from a discussion about one of his exes. I have been thinking lately about my role. If you asked me when my Daddy and I first started seeing each other I would have without hesitation said I was his sub. I do believe that I was his sub then. However learning more and more about the roles that are in the BDSM culture I realized I didn't exactly identify as a sub. I felt like I identified as a slave. I feel in my heart that I am a slave.

When we discussed it last night my Daddy said some things that made me realize that he is a Dom though. It doesn't surprise me, I know who he is, I know how he feels. I don't think that he needs to be my Master in order for our relationship to work. It may not be the norm, but hey, labels are just labels. It's funny, because I can still say we are in a D/s relationship, Dom/slave!

There are many different reasons that I feel this way, it wasn't some random idea that just popped into my head. It is something that I have thought long and hard about. Submissive may describe some of my characteristics TOWARDS my Daddy, however it does not define my role. It took me a while to even formulate my thoughts on this.

I asked him a while back if he had ever been a 'Master' and he said when he was younger and didn't really know what it meant/didn't fit the role. I do wonder if he will ever become my Master. I don't know if he will, there is a mindset that he is set in. A healthy one. It is a Dom's mindset though, not a Master's mindset. This is fine with me. I love him with all my heart. I can still be his slave without him being my Master. He is my Dom and I am wonderfully in love with that. Our relationship works [splendidly] and we are happy. I wouldn't want to go tinkering around with it in order to fit other people's labels/thoughts.

Life. So it goes.

So, I thought about posting this in my other blog, but it is a bit more personal and going to be mentioning some kinky stuff briefly so I decided to put it here. Sorry if it is absolutely boring and is a waste space here... :-P

I have struggled with my weight since... well, since forever. There are reasons I am the weight I am, the biggest hurdle is genetics. You can ask my Daddy, everyone in my family is pretty hefty. I think the best thing for me is that I haven't let my weight get me down or allow it to bring down my self-esteem. Another great thing is that I am genuinely healthy. I'm sure that come 30 years if I did nothing about it that might be different, but I am healthy now.

However, I do want to lose some weight. My Daddy and I videotaped us having sex. I don't know if it was the angle, or the intensity that he was plowing me, or what, but it was a huge wake-up call. I want to lose weight. I have been bitten by the 'lose weight' fairy before, but I am hoping that it sticks this time...

Christmas is coming up and I am spending it with my grandparents. I am really looking forward to it, but my grandma is notorious for not allowing me to eat healthy. It is an extremely long and weird story, and not one I wish to go into here... But I know that I will not be losing weight there. I struggle just to maintain whenever I am with them. Besides the point though, when I return I will be hitting the diet full force. My dinner portions can definitely be cut down, or at least my meat portions. I need to start eating breakfast without fail. I need to be smarter about my lunch choices. All that kind of good stuff.

In May, my Daddy and I are going to Shibaricon. I am so excited about it. It is my goal to be down 20-30 pounds by then. It can totally be done. 5 months and 30 pounds is a healthy amount of time to loose the weight.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I really am motivated.

Fantasy - Excuse me... OH!

So I have this recurring fantasy that I am at a kinky event and I run into someone I know in my vanilla life. The person always changes, sometimes it is a neighbor, other times a coworker. My favorite one though is running into my old high school psychology teacher.

He is probably one of a few men who turn all my cranks. Seriously, he is intelligent, funny, commanding, and has a solid build. Not to mention he is soooo hunky. From time to time, when I am using my masturbation time, I imagine him and Daddy violating me in the naughtiest ways. Oh hot damn, thinking of taking him all the way into my throat, gagging, drooling, while Daddy plows into me from behind. The motion from Daddy shoving his thick prick into me pushing me further onto my teacher's prick. Damn, I'm soaking my panties now!

I have fantasies of them using and abusing me. Violating me. It is delicious.

While that is the person I most commonly fantasize about meeting at a play party, it is really my wish to just meeting anyone I know in a vanilla context. I have heard of other people dreading it, but really, you are there for the same reason! So, excluding family members, I am hoping to one day meeting someone at a kinky event who I know in a vanilla context.

Pain Tolerance Day 2

So last night was 11 paddle hits. It went down much differently than the first day. I was immediately allowed the ball gag and the ability to bend over the desk. For some reason such a huge fear came over me. I was absolutely scared shitless. I was shaking and did not want to do it. I asked if we could skip it, and I say Daddy looking at me, contemplating if I could handle what was about to come or if I really needed a break. He told me that I could handle it and to bend over. I tentatively bent over.

Daddy rubbed the paddle against my ass. I pushed my ass back when he went to take the paddle away, effectively keeping my ass stuck to the paddle. He told me to stay in place or he wouldn't be happy. So I kept my place and waited for the blows. By the first hit I was crying. The fear made everything worse. I know he wasn't hitting me as hard as the first day, but it hurt more. All of the blows were on the lighter side of medium strength except for the last one. As soon as the eleventh one hit I collapsed into a heap on the floor. He tried to calm me, telling me how well I did and what a good girl I was. He was sitting in the chair and stroking my hair, calming me. Once my tears subsided a little he told me to take care of him now. His cock was once again hard [I love that he gets off on hurting me] so I wrapped my lips around him. I felt so dirty. I felt so... taken advantage of. But in a good way! I backed off midway and he showered. I watched [like always] and then we laid down in bed.

I opened my legs and his tongue brought me to the highest peaks. Wave after wave of orgasm swept over me. It felt so good. I love it when he goes down on me. After he finished with me I returned the favor. I licked him, rimmed him, pleasured him until he was fully erect. I laid back on my back to have him fuck me, but as soon as he entered me I realized my pussy was still too tender. It hurt like a m*therf*cker. So instead of fucking like bunnies I sucked him off until he came into my mouth. I love the taste of him. Apparently I make small noises when he comes in my mouth and I am swallowing it. He told me this last night, I have never realized it before! lol.

But anyway, it was a good night. Since we took a night off my broken pussy should be fixed now!!! :-P

Pain Tolerance Day 1

So Daddy paddled me last night. It started my pain tolerance training. I requested using the rope ball gag that he fashioned and he tied it, giving me a bit of calmness. I really like having something to bite on when I am receiving pain like that because otherwise I bite my teeth and I feel... off. Something doesn't feel right when I don't have something to bite down on. Maybe it's because the time that I took the most pain from Daddy I held a paddle in my mouth in the beginning then a gag at the end.

Back to last night... I asked to go over the desk as well because I like having the stability below me and being able to put my head down. He told me just to bend over and put my hands on the chair. I listened. He rubbed his hands over my ass, relaxing me a little. I was uncomfortable in my position though so my heart was beating faster than normal. The first blow landed and tears immediately sprang into my eyes. At that point I begged to go over the desk and he saw that I needed it at that point so he said okay. I bent over the desk and it immediately put a calm inside of me.

I was still frightened of course, but it was calming being in a position that I was comfortable with. By the fourth hit I knew I was going to cry. By the sixth hit, tears were flowing. Ten was definitely a good stop for day 1. I wish I could take more, but that is what we are working towards!

After the paddling was when the real fun came... I was standing up and Daddy kissed away my tears. I swear, I soaked myself at that moment. Such a turn on... His cock was hard I grabbed it and said it looked like he enjoyed himself. He had me sit on the desk chair and suck him a little, then grabbed me and led me into the bedroom. He laid down and I finished sucking him off. He came down my throat, mmm. I love the taste of his cum. I love worshiping his cock. He is yummy.

So that was day 1. I am definitely looking forward to day 2!!!

Pain Tolerance

I am trying to keep my mind off of things. I don't really want to think about certain things. It's not about anything except the fact that I want to lay into what my life is now, not lament on what it used to be. I always like to look at things as if the glass is half full, so that is what I am doing. I am going to make my life work. This may not be how I envisioned things to be, but I am loving my life. I am with the person I love and I know that everything will work out.

Anyway, onto the topic that this blog is about, pain tolerance.

I have this deep desire to be hit, to be spanked, to be hurt. I crave pain. Much to my chagrin my pain tolerance is very low. There has been times where I have been able to take more pain, which are the times I love. There are times when one hit of his hand makes me want to run and I just can't take anymore. Those are the times I'm not so happy. I want the pain. I want to be able to take it, I want to absorb the pain. It feels so good.

I used to not understand why, why I wanted pain. Why I wanted to be hit. I knew it felt good to me. I knew that the pain somehow made everything else... vanish. It was a beautiful feeling.

I want to be able to take more. I want to be raise my tolerance. So, last night my Daddy and I discussed this and we both want this, so we are going to take steps to ensure that it happens. I suggested that we do a scale of spanks, 10 the first day, 11 the next, 12 the next, etc etc. I think it will be good. I have high hopes. I'm very very very excited about it. I'll fill you in about it as it goes on.