Big Deep Breath

This is a really hard blog for me to write. I know that my Daddy reads my blog, and I don't know if this is something I want to share with him. Actually, I know that it is something that I have a hard time sharing, which will be outlined in this.

I am new to this. My Daddy is my first Dominant, in the true sense of the word. Before I have had a sadist top friend/boyfriend. But he is my first Dom and Daddy. I wake up sometimes, or ponder sometimes and take a moment and realize, I am his. Completely. It is something that I never expected. If you had told me that this was where we were going to end up, I would have laughed at you. However, I would not trade it for the world. Gosh, this is really hard to write...

Still, I was brought up, or taught, or whatever you want to call it, that women should be independent from their men. Which I think is a load of horse crock. I think a certain amount of dependence is good. However, one thing that I do hold fast to, is that a woman should not be too clingy. I think it is unattractive. In any type of relationship. Friendship/co-worker/love interest--- no one should be too clingy. Sometimes I wonder where the too clingy line is.

I have cried in front of him, many times. Something that I have never done with any previous relationship. It is weird, but comforting at the same time. He knows that I am usually much more composed, but the distance brings out some intense, "I miss you" times. Those times usually are accompanied by tears. I would have said in any previous relationship that crying because you missed them, would be too clingy. This is where my conflicting thoughts come from. Should my thoughts be different because we have a different dynamic in play? If anyone else came with me with my situation, I would say yes, but I am viewing it from my standing, and I don't think I should. Silly, huh?

More than that, what about the times where I feel like I need him? Just to talk to, or see for a moment on the webcam? Sure, we talk, but for some reason today I really felt that the distance was there. We talk everyday. I know that if I needed him, I could call him, but I don't want to be a bother. I know, I know, he is going to read this and say, "Babydoll, you are never a bother". However, this directly goes with that clingy thing I was talking about earlier. I don't want to seem too clingy.

Something about tonight, maybe it is the fact that it is his birthday and I wish I was there with him. Maybe it was one of the blogs I read and I just needed him to talk to. I can't tell you exactly what it is. I can sit here and list out a million reasons, but they would bore you eventually, and I want to keep as many readers as I can. Selfish? maybe...

I do need him tonight. How can I reconcile this within myself? I don't know. I sometimes struggle, but mostly, I just live with it. I don't feel this way too often, mostly because we are talking all the time. Which then gets me to thinking, is it going to be viewed as clingy because we do talk all the time and then one night when we don't, I get all needy. I think it might look pathetic.

I wish I had someone to talk to. I've been to a couple munches, I have a few friends in the community, but no one who I can call up and chat with about this... I wish I did. I know I will eventually. I also know though that the feeling will go away. I will stop being all needy tomorrow. Maybe even later tonight. Who knows? I am not too concerned, but on the whole, I don't know how to deal with my not wanting to be too clingy. I don't know what is too clingy.

Tonight, I read a blog. It made me need my Daddy. I know that he is out and having fun. I know that he will call me later before bed. He will ask how my night went, I will tell him how it went, not about the blog, but about the other random things. I guess since I am planning on publishing this, he will find out when he reads it... But anyway, I am not going to ruin his night. I don't know what I need from him either. So that makes it harder. Usually I can pinpoint it, I need some pain, I need a hug, I need to feel your hard cock running up and down my wet slit and teasing me until I beg like a common whore to be fucked nice and hard, or something of the sort. Tonight though, I am clueless. I guess I need it all. I need him. I can settle. I don't know, I feel like I am rambling. Perhaps I can call this a stream of consciousness blog :-P .

This was hard for me to write... I think sometimes saying that I don't know where to go, or what to do, is hard for me. I am used to having the answers.